Carrousel in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I’ve gone inward again, much like I did while I was in SoCal, but there’s a difference to it this time. It doesn’t feel like a withdrawal so much as a respite. Although I am falling into a strange pattern that I know I fall into. Whenever I leave a place, I spend my time away romanticizing. I did it with NorCal the entire time I was in SoCal and so here I am doing it again.

The difference is that my relationships really shifted when I went back for that visit. David and I have been talking quite a bit, either on the phone or online… which is different. He even mentioned it as a joke. He said that he answers my calls now. I suppose that’s some progress but it made it clear that he used to avoid answering my calls. Nothing has really changed except for the fact that we had sex....

I actually intentionally blurred that whole situation a bit because it wasn’t just the two of us. There were four of us having sex together. Yeah, I know. But it was a clear division between the two couples… and that was made clear after-the-fact. David, his ex (whom I’d hooked up with in the past), and the drag queen. Mykel (David’s ex) was clearly going home with the drag queen and I was clearly going home with David. It wasn’t that clear to the drag queen who just felt like he was on a merry-go-round.

The next morning, three of us woke up in Mykel’s bed (the drag queen was missing). I was sober now and I realized that I was between the two of them. They were a couple that I witnessed and made me feel envious, even when they split because they were still so adult about everything. The three of us are the same age so never really felt too awkward comparing myself to them. My hand was on David’s ass, it was so smooth and lovely. And suddenly we were all three enjoying each other.

David and Mykel had talked about it because it was the first time they’d had sex since their break-up nearly a year ago and they had a consensus on it. It was nice, it was amusing, it was temporary.

He’s been a lot more open with me. He’s been joking with me about things that I never really joke about. It’s time like these when I remember how much of a prude I really am… not because I’m adverse to such jokes but because I’ve never been close enough with anyone to joke about such things. He’s been making little comments about how I look naked and even said that he’s going to start calling me “Mr. Girthy”....

I know I have at least a year here, but part of me feels like I’m already gone again. I know it’s not healthy to always live in the future, and I realize that that’s what I’ve been doing my whole life. I’m aware of the now and I appreciate the now, but I’m always experiencing anxiety about the future and where I’m going. The only time I didn’t feel that way was in Paris.

Everything I’ve ever had was temporary. The only time it didn’t feel that way was when I lived at home.... and I was thrown out of the house with barely two hours notice when they found out I was gay. Is it any wonder why I don’t ever allow myself to get too comfortable anywhere?

I know I usually only post music in The Song Remembers When, but this song really speaks to me right now. It’s about how every moment of the day, someone occupies your thoughts and they go round and round like a carrousel.