Days off. in Since OD is shutting down....

My days off have been almost majestic. I didn’t have much social interaction, I’ve gotten sleep, got chores and bills paid, and was able to rest. My parents came by for about 10 minutes earlier and that’s the only time I’ve seen anyone since Saturday. I took the most glorious nap earlier on the couch and didn’t even wake up to the front door slamming. It’s just been so fucking nice.

I’m a little concerned about my wanting to be by myself. It’s like now that I embrace being single, I do worry about what affect that could bring if I actually did meet a good guy. It’s like I was by myself for so long and felt so alone that my depression was at it’s worst but now that I not only enjoy it, I don’t want it to change. I just can’t see myself in a relationship and it does scare me. It’s just crazy how it’s all I wanted for so long but now, I want everything but.

Honestly, I don’t even know what to say about this. I think I socialize enough at work and sometimes I find it exhausting so I like that I come home, eat dinner, watch tv and then go to bed. I like that there’s no one here that I have to interact with. It’s like every guy I’ve ever been with wanted to argue more than actually sitting down watching tv with me so I’m just too worried that every guy I try to be with is going to be like that. I wasn’t even dating Eric and he loved to come over and start arguing with me and then would get mad when I wouldn’t fight back because I was tired from work and wanted to just enjoy his company.

I’ve thought about this so much that I have come to realize that I don’t want to be in a relationship, no or maybe even ever. I know that haven’t shitty relationships has a lot to do with this but part of it is that I worry that I would get bored with someone. I worry that I would just abruptly stop loving them or they would stop loving me, like my ex did. It’s just so crazy that I don’t see myself with anyone because I don’t see the right guy coming along. I just don’t think I will ever find the right guy. Even the thought of it is too much.

It’s crazy because I like sex but I don’t like cuddling or making out. I can’t stand someone touching me when I’m trying to go to sleep and I fucking HATE kissing, unless it’s like a quick thing. I don’t even really like affection. There’s this guy at my work that I’m attracted to that gave me a shoulder massage the other day and even that kinda bothered me.

I think a lot of my problem is I’m just so fucking used to being by myself that letting someone into my world is a waste because they aren’t going to stick around anyway. I also worry that they have underline ulterior motives. I also just don’t see myself trusting and opening my heart to someone like I’ve done before. I honestly believe that my head has been fucked with too much and my hearts been broken too many times for me to even want to try again. I know that it’s going to take a lot for me to want to be with someone again. I also like just being able to do my own thing without having to check in with someone or argue about where I’m going, I like not having to spend money on someone and I like not having to worry about what someone else is doing.

It’s like the more time I’m single, I realize where my ex was coming from with a lot of things. I didn’t then because I couldn’t see past what I wanted but I get why he was the way he was, it’s just bullshit how he wouldn’t let me let go.

Anyways, according to the scale this morning I’m down about 7 pounds. I’m not going to get excited until I continue to see progress because I don’t believe it’s real considering your weight changes for different reasons so if it stays where it is and continues to go down, I will actually believe I’m losing weight. I desperately need to start making more effort with the gym. Now that I’m seeing some progress, I want to do everything possible to make it continue.

It’s back to work tomorrow but not until 4. I got all my bills paid today which is cool because I still have money left over for gas so I won’t have to use my fucking credit card. This week I have to make enough for car payment, getting my nails filled and the oil change because I’m finally due for it. I haven’t done any more job hunting but I haven’t forgotten about it either.

Sometimes I feel like I’m missing out by not having a boyfriend because I see my friends on Facebook always out doing stuff with their people and they just look…complete. I wonder if I will ever be that way. I do feel incomplete because I have nothing and nobody to really spend time with. When I do make the effort, I feel like I’m just annoying people and I worry that I come off to strong or something. Everyone is always pretty nice but I wonder if they really just wish I’d leave them alone. I have such a complex because there was this girl back in the day that would tell me to call her but then tell people how I was annoying and shit. I know that was a long ass time ago but I wonder if people see me that way now so that’s why I don’t make much effort anymore. I’ll miss people but just leave them alone because I don’t want to make them feel like they have to talk to me and shit. I was supposed to hang out with Heather tonight but didn’t because I honestly didn’t feel like it.

My days off are just so precious to me and I really don’t want to spend them with anyone except my niece. I didn’t hear from my brother until this evening and I’m pretty sure he knows how I feel about the other night. He said she wanted to see me but I didn’t race right over there because his girlfriend made me feel really uncomfortable and awkward the other night and I just don’t want to go through that again. She’s like that with my parents too and that’s why they don’t go over there. I just don’t know what the answer is because there’s a 4 year old little girl that suffers for this shit.

I think because so many people have treated me poorly that now I just stay away to protect myself. I have no one to look out for me so I have to be really aware of what’s going on. It’s just hard because there’s so many people I’d love to spend time with but most of them don’t live here so a lot of the time when I do hang out with anyone, it’s to fill a void. I just don’t feel any emotional attachment anymore. Most of the time, I would rather be alone because being around other people makes me feel anything but happy.

Anyways, I’m going to watch tv.