Variables. in A Life Uncommon

Jack mentioned today the looming need for me to "work elsewhere" aka not be at home. :(

The past few months have been incredibly difficult, and I am struggling to keep up a lot of days. We've also had some pretty rough moments, including one where I shook all over and begged Jack to see that I am far too crazy to have to put up with. Oh yeah, I went there.

If it's not one thing it's another, and my anxiety is running rampant these days since I do nothing to help contain or control it. Well, that's not true. I just don't fight so hard.

I don't drive because of it, and this is becoming an issue for me. I'm tired of being stuck, and whatever job I get is sure to require me to, idk, DRIVE there. So... I need to suck it up and go. But ANXIETY. And ANXIETY ABOUT ANXIETY.

It's really stupid, and I hate that it controls me.

Jack's job came with a nice pay increase. By "nice" I mean "we are no longer in the negatives each month halfway through bill paying". Buuuut since I graduated around the same time, it killed our assistance we were getting so.. hands on hips MEAL PLANNING TIME.

Nicholaus is pretty close to failing the third grade already, mostly due to his impulsive behavior and struggles with paying attention in class. We're struggling through helping him, and it's kind of rough. I feel like a failmom because I have no idea how to help him. I worry that this life has been so crazy, and he's so emotional. Only child to insta family wasn't easy for any of us. We're working out some tools to help him at home, including a more laid back parenting style than we have been. And really pushing praises, because he seems to react positively in behaviors (completing papers or jobs (chores) instead of giving up/not even trying). He is very impulsive, but he is also an 8 year old boy. So it's this fine line between deciding if intervening would hinder or help him.

The positives are that his teacher is backing us 100% and has been extremely honest and helpful. She is with me in avoiding a diagnosis/medical intervention if possible because of the stigma attached, not to mention how much of an ego blow that would be to an already low self-esteemed boy? So the emphasis is being placed on HELPING Nich, but the problem is that the help available is only accessed via a diagnosis.

On the flip side, his teacher also provided us with graph charts of Nich's progress since just the start of school, where he was at a 1st grade level across the board. This blew me away. He's never been an A+ kid, but spelling was his THING. He aced nearly every test, and most times without serious effort. His first report card for third grade showed a D, and I was completely stunned.

The papers he brings home kind of blow me away too. He can do most of those, too, with one on one and soft guidance. But the answers he has written are just...blatant guesses. For example, on a reading comprehension worksheet the student was to read a paragraph or two long tale about a girl having a snowball fight.

"What month did this story take place?" Snow

So I turned to him and asked why he answered it that way and he just shrugged and got upset. Later on, he read the tale again and we were going over the answers (I'm a big believer in taking wrong answers as a chance to go back and learn again) . And when we hit that question, he paused and told me, "Well, December. No, she said it was after Christmas. January." January is the correct answer.

Sometimes he gets frustrated if he can't figure out an answer or if it looks too hard. And then he gets overwhelmed because it's all just too much for his emotions to cope with, and we hit a mega meltdown.

So anyway, that's kind of just a ripple in the ocean of my life right now. Just one of many balls I am juggling. Oh life, how did you get so crazy on me?