15-06.14.111 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Originally, I wrote this up for my Emotional book under the title “The Things We See.” But I figured it would belong well here.

Another night of no sleep. I considered taking a sleeping pill around 5:30 am but figured it would be a waste. Ultimately, I stayed in bed the whole night… just watching movies as the wife slept. I managed to doze off sometime into the fourth Kung Fu movie at 7 am. I was shaken awake at 3 pm by a very upset wife because I had slept far too much. At first I was upset because… yeah, I may be sleeping into the afternoon… but I haven’t been sleeping at night. BUT… I shouldn’t be sleeping in the afternoon, so I quickly got over being upset. I do need to have someone wake me up so that I can try (and keep trying as I keep failing) to get a normal human sleep schedule. Especially as Wife and I are going to be going to a Family Reunion soon and neither of us should miss time with my wonderful, loving, crazy family.

And… that actually happens to be why Wife was upset. She suggested on the Reunion Page that she would make Cinnamon Infused Pancakes. Why? I have no idea. She doesn’t cook much and as much as she loves breakfast food… she never wakes up before 11 am. But… that is why she was upset today. She tried a dry-run while I was asleep and the whole thing blew up in her face. She needed me to help clean up and comfort her. After doing that for fifteen minutes; she went back to her “usual” way of being. Which means… she didn’t clean the kitchen, she just focused on her next thing on her to-do list. And I… kind of just… sat around.... like usual. Though it did give me the opportunity to speak aloud with her in the area… and just say that I’m probably sleeping the way I am because I just honestly don’t feel like there’s a reason to get up in the morning. I think that is what it has “come to”… just speaking into the void with her around… because there is never a “how are you” or… “what’s on your mind.”

Several hours later, she realizes that we need to go pick up her car and we go do that. And on the way driving home… it came to me that… if/when we get a house and if/when Wife gets out of Wal Mart.... if/when we do a functional version of couple’s counseling… I am going to need to have a much better answer for some of the preliminary questions I was asked.
The big one… Mag asked “What did you hope marriage was going to be when you got married?” I said a partnership where we’d help each other and be there for each other and that kind of stuff. I need a better answer. I need to articulate my actual thoughts. Which is more difficult than I imagined. Because… what is marriage to me? Two best friends who are also lovers weathering the storms of life together; enjoying the world as a couple; and becoming a family.
Then, of course, the shitty question because if I answer it honestly I’ll feel judged. “What would you like your life to look like?” I gave the safe, don’t judge me response. My honest response? I want a giant house with a huge yard… I want my wife to passionately be in love with me and find me sexually desirable… I want my wife to be comfortable and happy and thoughtful… I want a life where our joys outnumber our struggles and our smiles are more natural than our frowns.

I don’t know.

When we arrived home, Wife started on a shirt for me. She’s making me a t-shirt. For the reunion. So… I looked into it and… I’m preparing for the reunion to be interesting. IF Wife has whatever strange version of Aspberger’s they suggest… then this all makes sense. As her husband, I’ve become a part of her personal constant… I only register if/when I exist as a change because change is upsetting. However, there are tricks that exist to appear normal to “the outside world.” Those will likely be employed during the reunion. So… for a week, I may just get the wife I want. I don’t know though.

So much of me just… wants to get to a place where we can work on this us thing. Where we can have decent insurance… where Wife isn’t in the Worst Wal Mart in the Mid West… and where our schedules work better. Seriously, I was going to propose that she and I take a walk… just… take a walk every day to get some exercise and spend time together… can not work. She comes home from work somewhere between 10:50 and 11:30 pm most nights… and doesn’t wake up easily in the mornings. It just… I know I’m likely simply buying in to Wife’s shit and all that but… seriously. If we had $$ and time… I think this relationship could work. And I realize everything in the world runs on $$ and Time… but… seriously. 12 years ago I was sitting in a black box theater having just finished a great show… and it hit me that I would ultimately have to decide ONCE AND FOR ALL what dream mattered more. Wife and Kids or routinely trying and failing at acting. I wanted wife and kids. I wanted wife and kids more than I wanted anything else in the world. So… c’mon Universe. I get that life isn’t fair and nothing is ever easy… but I’m also not asking for the moon. In order to slay the rest of my dragons this year I only need a few things… a full time job with benefits and a reasonable salary; the time to dedicate to my marriage; external resources to help my wife. I don’t have many dragons left to slay but… we’re getting closer to the middle of the year. I know this because my wife and I were married on the EXACT middle of the year by date. That might not leave much time.

Another interesting thing lately has been… I now know EXACTLY where most of my insecurities come from. And my brother will be furious but… I have to be honest. My brother was always charming, strong, brilliant and he excelled in all art forms. Seriously. You give the two of us a coloring book when were children and no question who the artistic genius was. Sketch pads? That’s cute CK , what do those five lines make… woah, never mind… NK, that is a beautiful sketch of the living room, you even got the shading on the window right.
Not that I blame my brother for anything but… seriously. 19 years of hearing how amazing my brother was at everything. The only three times I was praised for being good at something was (1) nerd knowledge; (2) comic books; (3) acting. So… as I’ve been thinking, I’ve kind of come to that conclusion. Ultimately, I feel inherently inferior because… truthfully, it feels like a real life

Last updated June 13, 2015