fueled in 2015

April 28, 2015
10:39pm

You know, sometimes I’m not sure whether I should laugh or cry at the way the world works. I don’t want to be one of those “crazies” that believes in destiny and fate, but then sometimes there’s just no way to convince me otherwise.

Honestly, it’s a lot easier to give your life over to something like that. I haven’t had the easiest life, I’m not sure anyone has, but I was really struggling until I started to see all the little things in life. All the little moments that you almost always fail to notice on a daily basis. And I gave my life over to the idea of destiny. To knowing that it was going to work itself out the way it was supposed to.

Now, I’m not always 100% on that page. Sometimes I seriously falter. I question everything and I sink back into that hole. But it’s so much easier, so much nicer, so much more liberating to just think about how somethings don’t matter and life is the way it is. I’m living such a better life right now.

Anyway, that’s totally not what I came here to talk about. Got sidetracked. It’s just a good day today and I like to document those too. :-)

We had to go into work earlier today to meet JR. He’s working a ton of hours right now, we’ve got our open schedule, and so we kinda just meet him there when he can. So I begrudgingly got ready. Mostly I just wanted to lie in bed and drink my entire cup of coffee, maybe two. Oh well though. We met him there around noon and took care of most things that needed to be done.

While we were sitting there, we realized it was Tuesday, and decided we should go out to do something. Last week we hit Tacos/Margaritas on the beach, which is always awesome! Today we decided to go to chicken wings. I called my aunt to see if she was available and we decided to meet her there a couple hours later.

So we sat around talking and eating. I decided to partake in some beer drinking. Obviously ;) And I was exchanging texts with my buddy Tony. I like to give him a hard time about how he never visits and all the fun we have out here in California.

I was in the middle of a drink when I saw my phone light up [I’d put it on silent so it wouldn’t be too obnoxiously distracting]. I clicked over to view and it asked me to download an image. I instantly looked up at the sender name, saw “CK”, and thought, “that jerk!” Because he actually freakin’ sent a picture from Alaska! Like I knew it before I’d even seen it.

I really didn’t expect to get anything. He never responded to my last text this past weekend and I figured the chances of actually getting a picture were slim. He’s not very good with his phone, he’s pretty bad at responding, and we can easily go months without communicating. If anything, I thought maybe I’d get something like a few months from now.

But there it was. Fully downloaded and showing up on the screen of my tiny cell phone. A picture of sunset clouds and snowy mountains.
Followed by a panorama of some kind of harbor with amazing mountains in the background.

The second image came after I told him that “I kinda really don’t like you right now” and he sent it with the words “to fuel the hate”. hah. What a jerk.

Seriously though. They were really great pictures. I need to figure out how to get them over to my computer to see them in their full image glory.

And how the hell am I supposed to let go now, huh? It would have been easier to ignore the whole situation if I didn’t hear from him at all for six months. I mean, no, not really. It would still suck. But it would maybe make more sense in my head to try to move on. With him sending these pictures within days of leaving [like maybe he just got there? today, yesterday? IDK] it’s all crazy in my head again.

Even if we didn’t have a conversation about it. I responded to the last picture saying that he’d done plenty to “fuel it” and then didn’t hear anything else. How does it even work out there? Is Alaska part of a normal cell phone plans coverage? ha. I don’t even know these things. That’s alright.

Actually, in reality, I’m feeling really at peace with it today. It could go either way right now.

I think it’s good that he’s out there doing this. I’m envious as all get out, but it’s good for him. I kinda hope I might even get a couple more pictures before he leaves that place and I wish him all the luck in the world. It’s nice to envision hanging out over a couple beers and hearing all the stories when he gets back, but again, I won’t keep my hopes up too high.

rose.
11:47pm