Perseveration in Random Thoughts

I’d kind of forgotten one of my internal ‘quirks’. Or, more to the point, one of those areas I need to bring up in counseling as part of my communication issues. I was going to add this to my entry labeled “Goal” (and I did add a little last night), but I think this needs addressed on its own.

I have a problem with being or doing wrong. It makes me feel devastated inside and I perseverate on the issue and it keeps bringing up that severe internal anxiety. I can’t believe.... I am so stupid.... Blah blah blah. I must look like an idiot, how does that person perceive me..... And on and on and on

So, last night Dios and I were being playful via text (read: amorous-like) and I was trying to hard to please and feeling like I was doing everything wrong. As a result of that feeling, I was trying even harder. Dios basically said I needed to and cool my jets. I admitted that i was so afraid to do/be/say wrong that I was “in a dither”. His response was, “I know, that’s why I told you to chillax”

Now, logically I knew it was no big deal, but all day long I have just been flashing back to all the wrong things I said and how I may have been perceived. I keep getting these flashes of mortification.

Also, I had a bad meetin at work at the end of the day (a lovely day otherwise) on Thursday. I completely felt like all decision were made about my classroom without talking with me first and giving me a chance to make my case about which grade level I was going to work with. My power was taken away from me and it was devastating.

I. Was. Furious.

Rarely do I get mad. I am a very emotional person, so the result was a flood of tears (not at the meeting, gratefully!).

Now, I have gone over how I feel about this and the specifics with people and hate to just keep repeating myself, so I will just go into what I am going to do about it. I have a meeting Monday. I will present a whole schedule for 5th to 8th grade small groups for the special education program at my school, so we can look at the kids needs. Hopefully it will come out showing that I can stay with the kids/grade level I love the best, but if it does not, than I can accept it.

So, this plays into my earlier scenario because of the anxiety/mortification I feel about how I am perceived. I fear I am seen as incompetent. I feel that if I keep thinking about these two scenarios too much, I will just fall down the rabbit hole.

In the past I really struggled with these types of reactions to communication and interaction with people. I have grown a lot and have more coping mechanisms. These days, I can get ahold and deal before the anxiety leads to depression.

It definitely helps that I no longer smoke pot 😉 That just exacerbates the whole anxiety situation. Truth be told, I really do want to smoke, but I will wait till school is out and just do it on my own at home, when I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Well, I have a knitting date. Most likely there will be wine and food, plus a place to talk, which always feels good

I feel better. And I know things will get better (3 days till school is out, 4 till I leave for Turkey and Greece!)

Last updated June 14, 2015