Almost noon. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so I haven’t written in a few days because I’ve just been busy and needed time to process everything. Work has been going about as good as it always has, yesterday I almost didn’t work because there was a chance that girl I don’t like was going to close. I ended up working because she didn’t, thank God. I’m just tired of having to worry about her. I have gotten a couple of applications put it online and plan to keep looking for something else. I am just so fucking burnt out on that place and need something new. Yeah I’m worried about my social anxiety but I’m also tired of worrying about the same bullshit where I’m at.

My brother and his girlfriend are just making things really hard for me seeing their little one. I rushed home Tuesday night to see her before she went to bed and by the time I got there, they had already put her to bed knowing I was on my way. I felt that my brother’s girlfriend did it to be mean and now I’m wondering if I should make any effort at all anymore. I’ve put up with non-stop bullshit for over a year now and I just don’t know if I want to keep jumping these same hurdles anymore. I came home super pissed Tuesday night and I just don’t need it. I hate being angry and hate the people who inflict it. I don’t get mad much but the other night, I was about to start screaming. I don’t know why they insist on making things hard but I’m about to wash my hands of it.

I have to work at 4. I haven’t been to the gym all week because it’s either been too hot, raining or just haven’t had the motivation. The scale is STILL not where I think it should be after eating all the right things for almost 3 weeks. I am so beyond frustrated that I want to break down and cry. I know that I’m 30 now and my metabolism is slowing down but this is a fucking joke. I just want to be healthy and it’s just not happening. I am sick of being a fat cow and I hate the way I look. I fucking hate my body. It’s like no matter how much I try, I’m still in the same spot. I seriously just don’t know what to do.

The past few days I’ve mainly laid in bed and slept until it’s time to get up and get ready for work. I don’t know if I’m depressed or what my deal is but I just haven’t felt like doing anything. I’m also frustrated because I haven’t had any money all week until today because we got paid but literally all of it is gonna go to bills so I’m hoping I’ll make enough today and tomorrow to buy groceries and keep gas in my car until next Thursday when the car payment is out of the way. This being on my own shit is really tough and gets super old.

My Mom hates her job and apparently they cut her down to 2 days a week. She’s done nothing but bitch about it from the day she started and now she’s told me that her car payment is 2 months behind. I would love to know what they do with all their money so I can understand why their bills are so behind. I’m also sick of hearing the negative from them instead of anything positive. That’s why I quit talking to them before. They are the most negative people I’ve ever known and it’s not hard to see why I was like that for so long. I get sick of them acting like I don’t have any problems of my own and I need to hear about theirs. I don’t know what to tell them and even if I had the money to pay for her car, I wouldn’t because they don’t pay you back.

I think it’s bullshit that they sold a horse for $1,500 and didn’t take any of it to pay the car note. I think she’s either lying or she’s hoping I’ll find a way to help but I am struggling to keep myself afloat, I’m not gonna put myself in debt to help people that have been in this same predicament for almost 4 decades. It’s sad that my parents are in their late 60’s and STILL have money problems like this!!! Grow the fuck up! Quit living this way and start making better choices!

Sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to get out of her. I wonder if I’ll ever move away, get a better job, buy a house or if I’m just going to be stuck living in an apartment because I’m never going to find a job that pays me to have better. I worry that I’m never going to get out of this shit. I worry that I’m going to be stuck hanging onto a job where I don’t make enough money just because of my social anxiety. I worry that I’m never going to lose weight. I worry that I’m going to be single forever. I worry that I’m never going to be able to have animals because I can’t afford a house. I worry that I won’t ever be able to go to sleep on my own. Fuck.

I still have Eric blocked and plan to keep him there. I’m just shocked that I found someone with all the same problems as my ex. It’s crazy to me how much bullshit your expected to put up with and I just won’t do it. I honestly thought after John that I wouldn’t find anyone who came close to putting me through the emotional abuse he did and I did. I honestly think all the men here are fucking crazy and that’s why I am glad to be alone.

So this weekend, I don’t plan to take my niece because I just need a break from the whole situation. It’s sad that her parents make things this way because she’s the one who suffers but I just don’t like feeling like I make one little mistake and it’s the end of the world. I also get tired of the guilt trip that I’m the only family that spends any time with her. I just don’t know how much longer I am going to allow this crap into my life. I was actually going to change my number but now I can’t because I have applications out.

Anyways, I’m gonna lay down for awhile.