so emotional in Moving/SSI/host homes

omygod. the depression’s back again. er not that it ever like left. or anything. no it’s worsened. i’m seeing someone about it [that and other things] and we’ve gone over what to do about it, so. and I don’t believe in pills, so.
anyway.
at first you know. I sortof ignored it. like oh ok. so recently whenever I’ve heard/sung a certain song I get super emotional. which isn’t I mean bad exactly. the other night I was rehearsing ‘if I die young’ and I got sad. well. I was also a bit fuked up at the time, so. but it’s a sad song. I’ve always been deep like this. but lately i’ll have these moments where i’ll get really deep. and the rest of the time I don’t feel a whole lot. or maybe it’s not that the depression is worsening maybe it’s that. it’s getting better in a sense. see I have chronic [yeah you’re tellin me. i’m well effin aware of this] depression which means it’s never going to go away. it’ll just get better. yeah story of my life.
so I guess. um. in that sense it’s better. but i’m so damn tired. and like I don’t do a whole lot. last wk. was busy. I’ve been. well I’ve put on weight. I won’t say how much but it’s a good amount for me. Wk. 2 of this started yesterday. it’s damn frustrating. yeah it’s really hard. i’m hoping to go 2, 2.5 hell maybe even 3 wks. and it’s not like the normal tired. ya know where it’s been a long wk. or w/e. no it’s the depression tired if that makes sense.
I don’t feel like myself ever. ya know like when a lot of people have a cold for however long and they don’t feel like. them. and then they get better and then they feel like them again. well I don’t have that. I don’t ‘get better’ [well no not if I think like that] and when I do it takes 2 months. the depression part does. and then it’s back again. omygod. if it’s not one thing contributing to it it’s another. and even though I have it it still surprises me. like.................is there something more than just the chemical thingy making up this? I find it hard to believe it’s just that. and emotional factors. but maybe it is. I mean I have MDD so. can’t be my thyroid since that’s normal. had it checked recently in fact.
when will I start to feel like me? when id ecide to. and it’s a damn long recurring process. it’s like suffering. well it is suffering. things don’t go away they just continue and then they get better and then they get worse and then they get better again and so on. oh so that’s why it’s called ‘suffering’ from depression. I didn’t get that until just now. it doesn’t fuking stop.

Last updated July 17, 2015