Choices in A New Chapter

The hardest part about “starting over” and trying to relearn who I am is the cripplng fear about making any kind of decision. It’s weird because I’ve always been the decisive one and the responsible one. Looking back on life, I can see how decisions I made and actions I took way back in grade school are affecting me now. It’s as if every little piece of the puzzle fits together–even the pieces that didn’t seem to matter then. It’s paralyzing because I am afraid of making all the wrong choices.
I chose to tell my husband I couldn’t do it anymore.
I chose to trust and believe people with the power to hurt me again.
I chose to drink too much wine last night.
I didn’t choose to feel this remorseful over everything.
I didn’t choose to be so depressed that getting out of bed feels like an accomplishment.
Unfortunately, all of my actions have consequences…not only for now, but in the future I know they will haunt me. I will always hold the “what-ifs” close to my heart because that’s who I am–it’s what I do. Sadly, now the actions I take (or don’t) will also affect my kids. They are 9 and 7… and they don’t have a lot of power over anything. They don’t deserve me. They don’t deserve to go through this. Although, I will say, they are doing very well for now.
I just wish I had the ability to forsee what will happen if I choose certain paths– like those “choose your story” books we had as kids, we always thought if we didn’t take our finger off the page we could just turn back if we didn’t like the outcome. Of course, reality isn’t like that at all.
To the one who loves me with all my faults intact, please, please grant me the strength to forgive myself and take the right paths, even though I don’t even know what they are. I know going back is not an option. Giving up isn’t either. I need to be strong and I need to learn who I am and I just need to cry a little longer before I can get up in the morning. My heart is broken, my spirit is crushed, I just want to know ‘hope’ again.