Well, I feel like a jackass. I’ve spent all day wishing the person I trusted and felt like unloading my feelings on wanted to hear them. The “wrong people” have asked today…that is, the ones I don’t need to hear it from (such as Soon to be Ex DH–E.) I’m sure I’ll get back to that. I realize that the only way I’m going to get what I need is to vent about everything to a third party. Unfortunately, the only 2 people I can think of that would work for this kind of venting are otherwise preoccupied and I wouldn’t want to disappoint them anyway. (Trust me on this.) So, I do what any self respecting woman I know would do… I go running back to the diary that helped me through when I was having my first baby and fighting nightly with his father… I go to OpenDiary for an ear… only…it wasn’t there. In fact, it hasn’t been there in such a long time that I feel like the most horrible friend in the world…like OD went through a tragic death and I missed the funeral. :(
That leads me to ProseBox…let’s hope I find what I need here. I’m desperate.
Lydia’s words keep going through my head… “I am alone…I am utterly alone.” The truth is, I know I’m not forgotten about. I just can’t help but feel like no one will ever understand in the way that I understand-no one will ever see things the way I’m seeing them, through these eyes, and this heart and this mind, right now. No one. It’s hard for me to grasp that although some may ease the pain a bit, no one will be able to make it go away. I have to process all of this alone. And it occurs to me that even I won’t understand these what I write in the same way in the future. I think that’s why I always got rid of my old diaries…I felt like I had embarrassed myself because I had since grown and changed. The sad thing is though, certain family, such as my mom, think they understand completely but I realize every day how different we all really are.
I am going through a divorce. I can’t even say it was “nasty” for the time being. We fought over Mother’s day into Monday, he kept pressing me that I “wanted him to leave”…and eventually I realized that I really just couldn’t do it anymore so I told him yes, leave. “I just can’t do this anymore.” He left and that was it. He called an attorney four days later. We signed paperwork without fighting over a thing…but things…just got weird. He has since bought me flowers. The first in 11 years that he brought to work. I couldn’t help but to be upset by them. I mean, I know he wasn’t being malicious, but they just reminded me of how things were. He says nice things and texts me good morning and good night. I should feel special but in reality, I know nothing has really changed and I know that after all these years, I can’t go back. It just makes things harder.
I am feeling very vulnerable.
I need reassurance.
So of course, I turn to my friend, M. M has been my friend since freshmen year, about 16 years now. We have always been the kind of friends that would talk for awhile until someone tried to make it more than friends and then we’d quit talking. Only this time, one of us (me) has become very reliant on the other one to feel any kind of self worth. He doesn’t return my texts so I must be unworthy, disgusting, unlovable… seems legit right? Even I know in my mind that it’s ludicrous but my heart and self confidence freaks out. I feel like there is a big detail here that would make all of this make just a little bit more sense but…it’s not happening right now. I am a few drinks in and just trying to get this out.
I tried texting him last night (M) because I am feeling pretty worthless and he seems to be extremely preoccupied compared to how he used to be. I have been over zealous because all I can think about is “what have I done wrong?”. That is how I know I’m losing it. I know those feelings are probably exactly what’s driving him away. He tells me today he might have a date but then never really let me know. I mean, that’s part of the territory. He isn’t “my man” and honestly I don’t really care about that so much. I just wish he would tell me what he wants from me. It would be so much simpler if I had a role to fall into.
I know looking at the big picture, this is a very small part of what’s going on with me right now…but it reminds me of a story I read about immigrants who had almost lost their lives, not to mention losing everything else they knew and when their rescuers brought in counselors, all anyone wanted to talk about was their love lives. I think we are all a little more programmed for companionship than we want to think…
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