You are an addiction. (Sarah) in Entries of Great Significance

Edit For Funny Cute moment not worth an actual entry. Went to the doctor’s today, and once I got my scripts I went to the pharmacy to get them filled. They moved lightning fast, and I’m happily walking out the store and I’m about to turn into an aisle leading out, but you can’t see if anyone is there. This cute brunette with the softest brown eyes you’ll ever see in a running outfit is walking down said aisle I can’t see, but I am about to turn into.

Almost run right into each other, but I hopped to the side, and she leaned back slightly, completely startled. Total deer in the headlights moment cause we barely missed touching each other. Without missing a beat I said, “Whoa, we almost made a beautiful collision.”

Then I smiled at her.

As I walked away I could hear her laughing.

Okay, the end.

You are an addiction.

I am your addiction.

I often joke around and mention than I am an addiction. Well, some of it is centered in fact and some of it playful. However, there is a genesis to the term in which I use as there is a story behind most everything I do and everything I am. The way it goes is that I met this girl many years ago, around 1995. I was 17, and she was 15. We talked on the phone a lot. A whole lot.

She introduced me to the wonderful music of Silverchair and Dream Theater, more on that later. Anyway, her name was Sarah. She was quite beautiful, though in a very reserved and awkward way. I love that. She had such a small and squeaky voice. It fit her personality. She was unassuming and shy, but we began talking for hours every night.

It was… Very enjoyable. It got to the point where she got home from school and talked to me until she went to bed. We’re talking nightly 8 hour conversations with each other. She was so utterly vibrant. So completely brilliant.

The odd thing? She wasn’t attracted to guys. Her brother went to my high school, and he used to tease her about never having a boyfriend. She never told him, but she confessed to me she’d just never found a guy she was remotely attracted to in any way. Only girls. She was maybe two years younger, and still finding her way, so I never pressed her on it. Then one day, she just stopped calling. It bothered me. I missed her. I never saw her online again. I didn’t call her because I knew she was avoiding me.

I understood sometimes roads end, even when you truly don’t want them to, but it still hurt to lose someone I had grown so close to so easily. She was such a pretty girl, but moreso a beautiful soul.

Fast forward a few years later, roughly 6 years had passed. Suddenly she pops online and messages me asking if I remember who she is. How could I forget? She was now in college and had really come to terms with a lot of things.

She said she finally accepted and came out that she was a lesbian with her family and friends. I told her I was proud of her, which I was. I was so elated that she’d done it! I always knew, really, and it was easy to tell it bothered her being different. It wasn’t quite so often acceptable back then in 1995 as it is today. But there’s still a long way to go in treating each other right.

Homosexuality isn’t wrong! We’re all just people born to be who we are, but that’s another topic entirely. I simply believe she was born a person, not a lesbian, and to treat her as less than a person (or anyone for that matter) is absurd.

Sarah then told me that she wanted to confess to me why she left me.

I was curious.

“You’re an addiction.”

“You were my addiction.”

I wasn’t sure what she meant. She explained that she was so happy talking to me. Just hearing my voice and listening to me. It was becoming her world. She was thinking of me constantly. I completely dominated her thoughts, she said.

She couldn’t wait to talk to me. She would hang up and want to dial my number right back. She couldn’t sleep without me being on her mind. She said no one had ever affected her like that.

She went on to tell me that all these years later no guy has ever been attractive to her, still. She just didn’t feel it.

Yet she did with me. She said she had to get away from me because I confused everything. I was then and to that day years later the only guy she knew she could fall in love with, want to be with in every way.

I was stunned and quite honored.

We talked some after that, but she was incredibly busy. I haven’t spoken to her in years, but she’ll always be in my thoughts.

I wonder where life has taken Sarah to this day. I hope it’s somewhere with a lovely view.

This was the first time I’ve been told by a lesbian that I was the only guy they ever found attractive. It would happen many times over the years.

My best friend Steve said it’s because I’m really a woman – just with junk. And even then he wasn’t certain about that! Jackass.

I love him dearly.

These past few days I’ve spent a ton of time helping Steve and his wife Sam scrub their house and then stage it for the upcoming sale. They had a professional photographer come by yesterday to take photos, and they said if I hadn’t spent 4 and a half hours helping them Sunday night and then 3 hours yesterday they never would have had it ready.

I saw the photos. House looks amazing! They put it on the market today. Looks so good! I hope it sells quickly so they can find a bigger place to start a family.

Ha, one funny moment of so many was we were staging the kitchen. Sam wanted to put the white KitchenAid mixer on the counter. Steve disagreed, let’s throw it in the shed. I was the tiebreaker.

“Sam, I think it looks better without it. Minimalistic. Less is more. Steve’s right.”

She shrieked at me, “But you always agree with me over him!”

“You’re dead to me, Brian!”

I gasped, “But that’s because you’re right most of the time, Sam.”

Steve interrupted, “What?! No she’s not. Liar! You’re dead to me, too, Brian!”

“So I’m dead to everyone except the cats. Awesome. If they had their claws, I’d probably be dead to them, too.”

Good times.

My birthday is June 13th, so as a gift for me they are going to take me to see the UFC Fight Night in the Smoothie King Center (arena next to the Superdome) to see the fights. Really excited!

Things with my mom are just not good, but I have great friends.

So with that I depart. Congratulations if you read all this nonsense. lol.

Though I shall forever remain..

Your addiction.

winks

In honor of Sarah, my favorite Dream Theater song and my favorite Silverchair song, but they have sooo many great ones..

There’s no one to take my blame, if they wanted to.
There’s nothing to keep me sane, and it’s all the same to you.
There’s nowhere to set my aim, so I’m everywhere.

Never come near me again.
Do you really think I need you?

I’ll never be open again.
I can never be open again.
I’ll never be open again.
I can never be open again.

And I’ll smile and I’ll learn to pretend.
And I’ll never be open again.
And I’ll have no more dreams to defend.
And I’ll never be open again.

“Space-Dye Vest” by Dream Theater

Make room for the prey ‘Cause I’m coming in
With what I wanna say but
It’s gonna hurt*
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but…

I’m not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I’ve no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss use love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I’m supposed to love you back

“Miss you Love” by Silverchair

Last updated June 04, 2015