Money. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so it’s been an alright week so far. I’ve gotten back on my diet and at the beginning of this week I’m pretty sure I was going through sugar withdrawals because I was super crabby, had mood swings, tired and just felt not into anything. I haven’t had any sugar, soda, or fast food since the weekend and I am already feeling better. The scale is still not moving but I’m sure it will once I get back to the gym. I’ve wanted to go all week but again, every single day it’s been cold and rainy so to avoid getting sick I just haven’t gone. The weather here is just complete bullshit and I’m beyond over it. It’s almost fucking JUNE and it’s cold?! Like, okay!

So we got paid today but my check is all for rent and I’m actually short $37. I also have to come up with at least $60 for my cable bill, $23 for gym, and $75 for car insurance so I’m really hoping I will make a decent wad of cash between today and tomorrow because I’m just going to die if I have to use my credit card because I already owe about $1,200 on it so my credit score has gone to shit. I’m so tired of being at a job where I’m expected to bust my ass and I don’t make enough to live on! I honestly don’t have LOT of bills and most of my bills are under $100 but when I’m paying $200 on health, dental, and car insurance and $400 for car payments, it’s adds up really fucking fast!!!

I’m just getting really frustrated that I’ve worked for a year an a half straight and I’ve never had a vacation and don’t have anything saved. It’s just crazy how fast I make money but it’s crazier how fast it goes too. I think it’s bullshit that I HAVE to pay for health insurance that I don’t use and if I don’t, then they will penalize me by taking a bunch of my income tax. Last year I only got back $1,100 so I’m guessing I won’t get back much this year either whether I pay for health insurance or not. I just feel like I’m constantly in a race to pay bills and never have a life outside of it!!! Ugh, I’m just stressed the fuck out.

It would be great if I make the money I need between today and tomorrow but normally when I’m hurting for money I end up making shit at work so I have to continuously use my fucking credit card, I’m literally never going to get everything paid and have money in the bank. Even when I have money left over from my 1 check a month that doesn’t go to rent, it’s still gone by the end of the money paying all my other bills!!! It really fucked me this month shelling out $100 for Mother’s Day and my little brothers birthday and then having to shell out another $100 for tires. I know why I’m broke this month but it still doesn’t make me feel any better about not having any money.

I’m just so tired of worrying about money. I’m just trying to stay grateful that I have a job but I’m having a day where I’m just over it. It’s bullshit that at my job there’s no such thing as a fucking raise but we will get our bonus at the end of July and I would like to take a couple hundred and pay on my credit card with it because this month I was only able to pay the bare minimum because I had to buy tires. All I know is I desperately need to get this fucking car paid off so I can start getting other things paid off as well. The bills just never stop and it gets super stressful and ridiculous.

My Mom needs me to borrow her $20 until Monday and I told her I would bring it before I have to work today. She gets paid on Monday so I’m going to expect that money right back because I’m too fucking broke to gift it to her. I have just enough in the bank to cover my rent as of now so I will absolutely need it back. I get annoyed being asked for money when I just told her the other night how fucking broke I was. Fucking bullshit. My parents need to pull their heads out of their asses and start taking care of their own problems. Grow up! They are in their late 50’s and it’s time they start acting like actual adults.

I’m probably not going to shower today because it’s so cold out and I don’t have time to get it dry. I am just so fucking sick of the weather, it’s making me super crabby and I just want to lay in bed all damn day. I think the sun is at least coming out but I’m hoping for shit weather tonight so that I have a better chance of making money. Ugh, I’m just so over all of this shit.

This weight loss thing probably won’t be that hard. I’ve not had much of an appetite the past few days and I think it’s because my body is so tired of junk food. I’ve been doing really good at watching portion sizes, drinking more water, and staying away from crap. I hope I can keep this up. I think it’s been a really big help keeping snack in the car when I’m at work because I’m not as hungry when I get home which means I have time to actually cook and pay attention to what I’m eating and how many calories. I bought a bunch of fruit and healthy stuff last night and so far, things are getting better. I know that I can do it, it’s just hard to stay consistent when the scale doesn’t budge. I don’t lose weight as fast as I used to and it gets discouraging.

I’m in a little bit better mood now. Probably because the sun is shining. I don’t know, after months of shitty weather it starts to take a toll on me. I just hate when it’s crabby outside because then I just want to stay home and watch movies. I can’t wait until it’s warm and sunny everyday. I’m also annoyed that it’s so hot inside my job these days so I sweat my ass off. I am happy that I work mainly evenings now except for Saturdays where I work 11-7 because it’s made it so much easier to stick to my diet. I’m going to lose weight or I’m going to die trying. I’ve felt better the past few days not eating junk so I’m going to just take it one day at a time and continue doing the best I can.

Work has been going alright. I’m glad that the girl I don’t like works Monday through Friday, 9-4pm so I only see her for a few minutes everyday when I get there. I am getting really tired of it being like this but I’m glad that it’s actually worked out in my favor because I’d rather work evenings because that’s when I’m the most awake and I always make more money. I’m just tired of having to worry about her but it is what it is. Things have been going pretty good I guess. There’s someone that I work with that’s been a crabby asshole lately and I’m actually hoping that he just quits. I’m also tired of these 2 girls not liking each other and I get tired of hearing about the latest drama every fucking day. I’m hoping that one of them either quits, gets fired or transfers. I can’t stand listening to them bash each other every fucking day!!!! Grow up! FUCK!!!! Life is just too short for this crap.

I’m glad that my work week is almost over. I of course don’t have plans for my days off but that’s okay. I’m still pretty happy just doing my own thing. I always have people I want to hang out with but they are always busy working and raising kids so it’s hard to hang out with them. I also have other people to hang out with but they don’t have jobs or cars and I don’t feel like having to spend money to kick it with them. I’m just not going to engage in having to deal with the hassle of spending money or going to pick people up just to have people around. I can’t stand that shit and that’s why I hang out by myself.

Oh and I do plan to quit smoking probably next week. I was going to this week but after what I’ve gone through not eating junk food and the withdrawals, I figured I’d wait and tackle one thing at a time so I don’t get discouraged and give up on all of it. I don’t want to keep smoking and I am so angry at myself for going back to it after 3 and a half years. I never thought I’d pick up a cigarette again but all I can do is just stop doing it now. I’ve noticed that I’ve become winded a lot easier and I am still dealing with smokers cough. It’s such a gross fucking habit and I plan to eliminate it from my life soon. It does help with stress and what not but I have to find other ways to deal with stress and anxiety.