Sick. in Inside My Head

My abdomen feels like a swallowed a bowling ball and it feels like an elephant is standing on my chest. I constantly feel like I have to cry and I’m doing everything I can not to. I spent over a year trying to get pregnant and now I have my sweet son and I can barely pay attention to gim because I’m terrified.

Mike only gets unemployment for six months. I’m going to try to get a per diem job or work overtime in the interim. I am so bitter…once again I’m working crazy hours, once again I have to work two jobs, and once again Michael is unemployed.
I’m terrified of losing my house that I spent so much money and time fixing up. I’m scared of going into foreclosure or bankruptcy. I’m scared my son is going to literally grow up in daycare because I’m too busy working two jobs.

The Zoloft I’m taking isn’t helping. It helped immensely for postpartum depression, but it is not touching the kind of panic and depression I’m feeling now. Talk to a counselor? Why? So they can charge me money I don’t have to tell me to calm down. Easy for them to say, they have a job. Call a crisis hotline? Why so they can tell me life is worth living? I don’t see where it is…I’m never going to see my baby once I’m working two jobs and I will probably lose me job. I can’t get a divorce because I’ll end up owing even more money to Michael. I’ll see my son even less because now on top of everything else he will be shuffled back and forth between Michael and I.

I just feel so sick and lost.