Struggling in 2013

So its nearly 2 months since the move. Things have been good and I love living with Jonny. He is wonderful and I can't express that enough, this isn't about him. I don't even know if its about what I say it is, or if I'm just blue. Its cold and wintery and I have to get up early and drive in rain and wind which is not my favourite thing to do. I've only been driving a few weeks and this shit is scary. It makes me very very anxious, which makes all the other things that would normally make me a bit anxious feel completely impossible. I just feel unbearably sad. I feel like my heart hurts. I know that the work was getting to the point where it was dragging me under in Cardiff and yes there has been some let up in that since being here. But I feel so... insignificant. I miss knowing people, knowing what I am doing, knowing I can help people, that I can contribute. Some people from my new job went on a conference this week and it just sounded so boring and awful and stiff. When I went to conferences with my old team we would see the city and get drunk and eat good food. People liked me. People who weren't even from out university were coming up to me at the last conference and saying "no Jess! You can't leave!!" And not just because they wanted me to party at the conference dinner, ha. Because they think my work is interesting. And now I am spending my days making workbooks and posters. I don't know what my point is. I know I made this decision and I know that I made it because it was the right thing to do and I knew at the time that these were all things that would be different. But it is hard and I feel sad.

And I miss Hayley, and my other friends. And granted there weren't many of them left since people had moved away or we didn't speak anymore because they were STI infested whores, but I still had people there. People who were on my wavelength, and wanted to play Carcassonne and drink wine and talk animatedly about Buffy and Dr Who. And when I felt sad I could go and see them and it would cheer me up. The support network we all need. And now it isn't there, and I need it.

Maybe its just me. Maybe I am just a miserable cow who wouldn't be happy anywhere. There were certainly things that made me unhappy in Cardiff. Work was hard. But more rewarding? I don't know. I miss it. Bits of it. I needed a change because I didn't want to be in the lab anymore but I miss Microbiology. I could have done something else. I came here to be with Jonny though. And I don't regret that. I just want it all but you can't always have it all.

I just want to go home.