Moving On Friday, July 04, 2008
Whew... I think I made it. The last few weeks have been very hard. I just couldn't get my mind straight enough to write in this diary. I also couldn't write notes. I just couldn't do anything. And yet, I didn't feel that sad. I guess I was depressed but tried to just get over it and move on.
It's been hard to move on from this death. Every day someone new walks in to the leasing office and asks, "what happened to Angie?" To which we must reply, "She passed away." Then they want to talk about it. They ask questions. Which makes it impossible to move on. Then they just stare at me and wonder why I am not crying or acting upset. They don't understand that when I answer the phone my voice must reflect that I am happy even if they are standing before me in tears. I swear to God my emotions go up and down all day long and all it does is makes me angry. I just want to scream, "SHUT UP! I need to move on but you all are making this impossible." Especially the girl I work with. She was closer to Angie so she is hurting a bit more, plus she has always been much more emotional than I. I prefer to cry at night ALONE. She cries at least once a day. She has cried in front of clients. She just can't get it together. She constantly talks about the death. She compares EVERYTHING to what Angie would have done, or what Angie would have said. Everything that happens is "Angie doing it through spirit." I understand it hard to say goodbye. However, it's nearly impossible for me to when everyone around me keeps the memory of her death around.
I have to make this the last time I bring up Angie's death. Just writing all that out has gotten me upset again. Letting go is just so hard.
Tomorrow when I write I will update on the baby. Tomorrow will be happy thoughts. As of tomorrow, I will be in LAST trimester! What? Already?!
Her
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sometimes you need to talk about it. i understand when you are trying to not think about it though and others bring it up. it makes it hard to get back into life. i know she wouldnt want you dwelling like this. [muted exposure] 7/4/2008 3:39:03 PM
everyone grieves in different ways. hug so very sorry that you are going through this. [Ark's Dream] 7/4/2008 5:14:23 PM
I hope the girl you work with can get her emotions under control. So what happened with the car loan? I can't believe you're in your last trimester already either. Whew! [angelhair] 7/4/2008 11:52:27 PM
I understand what you mean, sometimes it is just time to move on, and I am sure that Angie would agree. Can't believe you are last trimester already! What a wonderful thing in your life right now. Enjoy the last little bit of being pregnant--even though I was sick and miserable I miss it. :-( [nursechicrn] 7/5/2008 12:51:39 AM
When my grandpa passed away I was really upset. Sometimes it was good to talk about it. I never talked about his death though. I would bring up good memories and how he was a good person.
hugs [prettylittlekitty]
7/5/2008 12:24:34 PM
RYN: Thank you for letting me know about my front page!!!! [NoMoReTeArS] 7/6/2008 8:34:08 PM
I understand your not wanting to talk about it. When my best friend died I couldn't talk about it for months without crying; I couldn't even talk about it with the grief counselor. You will talk about it when you're ready. The truth is, life is never the same when someone dies. But we do eventually adjust. Give it time. Congrats on the baby! [thesurrealist]
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