Thinking about new decisions. in Since OD is shutting down....

My day off is coming to an end. I ended up not doing anything today because everything I wanted to get done wasn’t going to happen because of the holiday. I’ve just watched tv and enjoyed resting. I’ve watched a few episodes of True Life and now I’m just spending some time thinking about my life and what direction I want to take.

I have a friend on Facebook that is in beauty school and is always positing pictures of doing hair, nails, and just looks really happy and likes where she’s at in life. I ended up calling her and asking her about some college stuff. I owe about $5,000 in student loans so I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to get into another school because of this but she said she owes about $19,000 and that if I enrolled where she is that they would actually defer my payments until I graduated. She told me that school is Monday through Friday from 8-4pm and you can’t miss any days the first 12 weeks because they teach new stuff everyday so if you miss it, you miss it.

My main concerns with going to back to school is not getting enough sleep or time for myself, just like before. I do know that I want to go back to school but I do worry about what it would be like to have to go full time and work. I just don’t want to end up where I was before where I was miserable due to not getting enough sleep and didn’t have enough time or energy for anything other than what I had to get done. I still feel like I don’t get enough sleep but now that I’m going to back to mainly evenings, except for Saturdays it will get better.

I do know that if I go back to school, it HAS to be more of a priority than it was the last time. I can’t just can’t put in as many hours at work which would be a good thing but I would go back to having to worry about not having enough money. I do know that having an actual degree and having that direction in life would be worth it because I would be doing something I have always wanted to do. I know the last time I was in college, I wasn’t happy because I never felt like I was in the right school or the right program.

I left a message with the school and I’m sure they will call me back tomorrow. I would like to set up a time to meet with them and take a tour and see if it would be something that I would like to pursue. I don’t plan to go right away or anything as I do need more time to think about all of this but I do know that I don’t want to be at the job I’m at now forever either. I do know that it would be nice to have an actual degree or license in something and be completely sure where I want to go in life because right now, yeah I like my job and what I do but it doesn’t pay me enough to ever really improve where I’m at with things either.

The thought of getting back into school definitely makes me a little bit nervous because I remember what it was like before. I was just exhausted all the time and worked way too fucking much to be able to truly focus on my homework and that’s why my grades were slipping. I know that student loans would help me with my car loan and different things but I do worry about taking out more loans that I will have to pay back so I need to make absolutely sure this is what I want to do before jumping right into it. I’ve never completely forgotten about college and I would like to try again, and I think going to beauty school may change my life for the better.

It sucks in a lot of ways that my job won’t pay me more, regardless of how hard I work, how much I’ve proven myself and how reliable I am. I’ve always covered shifts, came in early, stayed late, and never complain about having to stay no matter how tired I am. I don’t really bitch about getting paid more because I know if I did then my rent would go up and I already pay a lot. My next paycheck goes right to rent so if I didn’t make tips, I would have no money for anything else. I’m also tired of how much shit I have to deal with and a lot of days my tips are far from worth it. I had someone I work with make a comment to me last weekend about school because I told him I wanted to take some time of (no one knows I’ve dropped out) and he said something about how I don’t want to work there forever and it really got me to thinking.

As much as I like my job, the freedom I have there, the way I can be myself and express my moods, I do know that I’m worth so much more too. I know I want better for myself but it’s just the process of going after it because it takes so much work, drive, and sacrifice. I just try and keep in mind that if I do go back to school, my hours at work are going to HAVE to be strictly part time because I will need to be home at a decent hour every night and I will still have to see my niece. I’ve spent so much time giving my all to my job and sometimes I ask myself why. I know that I like what I do and I admit, I like the lack of professionalism that goes along with it but I have to start thinking what I want long term.

It bothers me to know that if I didn’t get housing, I wouldn’t be able to survive on my own because my job doesn’t pay me enough. It’s not fair but I’m glad that I’m in a position where if I want to go to school I can and my rent will go down so I’m able to make that dream come true. It makes me angry that I have managers that work for the same people I do and they make more money but they still struggle to pay their bills and feed their kids. I do feel very fortunate that I get the little bit of help that I do get because without it, I wouldn’t be where I’m at.

I’m already feeling some dread for tomorrow because it means back to work. I really wish that I could afford to take a few days off because I’m just tired. Sometimes I feel like I am kind of tired that sleep can’t fix. Tuesdays are always bittersweet because it means my days off are over but I’m happy to get back at the grind to make money. The money I earn from Tuesday and Wednesday night goes to my car payment and the money I make Thursday, Friday, and Saturday goes to other bills and groceries. I feel very fortunate that I make tips because right now I know I wouldn’t be able to deal with only seeing money every 2 weeks like a lot of people. I’ve just gotten so used to this that it’s going to be hard to ever go to a job where I don’t have cash every night.

I definitely feel overwhelmed about the possibility of going back to school but the thought of being at the job I’m at for a lot longer than I already plan on also makes me feel overwhelmed. I want to have an actual career. I want to be able to buy a house someday. I want to have a car paid off that doesn’t have a shit load of miles on it. I want to do something awesome that helps people. I’ve had enough people tell me that I’m so much better than the job I’m in but I’ve always had reasons to hold me back from really doing anything about it until now.

It’s just hard to think about changing stuff, especially my schedule and what not because I’ve been in this routine for so long. I like just going to work and doing whatever but I don’t want to be doing this same thing forever either. I know that part of the reason I’m not successful with losing weight is because I work in a fucking restaurant that serves incredible food and after several hours of work, I’m starving and HAVE to eat. I know that it would be easier for me to stay on track if I had a different job or was able to even get a break so I could actually sit down and taste what the fuck I’m eating instead of wolfing it down and then being sick to my stomach.

I don’t know, I think I need to just spend some time weighing the pros and cons to getting back into school. My Mother of course is no help. I text her and say that I’m thinking about beauty school and she wrote back bitching that I’d be on my feet. She always has something negative to say about anything I’m interested in doing or places I’d like to work and I just get tired of it. She’s not supportive of any decision I make and that gets really hard to deal with because it would just be nice to have my Mom as my support system, which I’ve never had and I know I never will so I have to make choices all on my own. I get tired of never really having anyone to talk to about things that truly care and help me figure shit out.

Ugh.