Disconnected. in Since OD is shutting down....

Now that my niece went home and I’ve showered, I feel a bit better about things. I’ve now taken my Tylenol PM and am laying here in my bed waiting to get sleepy. I have my phone on silent and will be sleeping the fuck in tomorrow. I had some guy emailing me wanting to hang out but was really annoying and clingy so I stopped responding. He sounds like a piece of shit because he wanted to take me out to eat but then said something about how he doesn’t get paid til next week so he wanted to just come over and hang out. UM, fuck no! I don’t even know you, what the fuck makes you think I’m going to invite your creeper ass over to my house?!

I have serious internet/laptop issues. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t have even one decent laptop to use!!! It takes forever to get anything to load and I’m so fucking sick of it!!! I really want to buy one but I already owe so much money on my credit card that I don’t want to keep going further into debt, which is affecting my credit as well. I know that I will buy one eventually but I just haven’t done it yet. I was going to today but then decided to wait. I may buy one tomorrow though. I’m so glad I have another day off to sleep. I have a couple of things to do but it won’t take long and then I plan to come home and just sleep.

My feelings of disconnect are still pretty prominent. I just don’t know what to do. I’m just so used to being in my own world that it’s hard to let anyone in and then when I try, it doesn’t work out for one reason or another. I just wish I had one person my own age that I can have a good friendship with that wants nothing more from me than my time and companionship.

After what’s happened with Eric, it’s really made me feel like all men are the same where they are just out to get whatever they can from me until I finally cross them off. As far as relationships, go I think I checked out a long fucking time ago. I can’t see myself with someone anymore. I can’t picture myself being with anyone long term that isn’t going to use me, beat me, lie to me, cheat on me or treat me like complete dog shit. I’ve never had a normal, healthy relationship and I take most of the blame for it because I didn’t have enough self esteem to express myself and then if I did, I was with men that became abusive and evil when things didn’t go their way.

Eric was so much like my ex John that when we argued, I seriously felt like I was dealing with John all over again. He couldn’t handle me expressing my feelings or opinions without becoming irrational, abusive, insecure and mean. I have dealt with so much of this shit in my 30 years on this planet that I would rather be single for the rest of my life then be with someone that just wants to beat me down emotionally. I want to be happy in a relationship, not where I was before where I just stayed with them because the sex was good or because I was afraid of them or scared to be alone.

I also have thought a lot about my other ex and how much he’s fucked my head up but also made me a better person. Because of him, I’ve become a lot more heartless which has been beneficial in a lot of ways and has kept me from being used like before. I’ve also become really good at telling people no and not feeling a bit about it. I can honestly say I will never be the same because of him and in a lot of ways, it’s probably saved me from a lot of shitty situations. I’ve always learned to walk away a lot faster than I used to. I don’t stick around waiting for things to get better with people. I give people a couple of chances and after that, I’m done.

At this point, I feel like my heart is very cold, empty, and guarded that it’s going to take a lot for someone to active that part of my heart that would make me believe that love is real and maybe I’ll find someone that would treat me like I’ve always wanted. I don’t see myself falling in love ever again and if I did, it wouldn’t be right away. Someone would have to prove that they are worth it. I just need for someone to prove that they are for real and that would stick around for the right reasons where we could make memories together and then, maybe someday I’ll find myself growing attached to them and feeling what I don’t know if I have ever truly felt before.

It’s sad to know that I’ve been one of those girls that has just bounces in out and out shitty relationships and mainly because I wasn’t in a good place. I’ve needed the past year and a half to get myself in a good place and I feel so proud of myself. I was so far down that I couldn’t even imagine myself where I am now. Sometimes I’m scared that it’s all a dream. I am very happy that I’m in a job where I’m making money, people like me, I feel comfortable and I’m taking care of everything all by myself. Living on my own 2 feet is my dream and here I am living it.

It’s crazy how much I’ve learned from past relationships and how much I’ve changed because of them. I know what I will put up with and what I won’t and my tolerance level for bullshit is pretty minimal now and that’s why I walk away from men so fucking fast that it’s crazy. There’s just so much I won’t tolerate and that’s why I’m probably going to be single for a really long time, probably longer than what I want but I know what I want and until I find it, then I’m going to save what’s left of my heart for someone that wants and appreciates me.

As far as relationships go, I’m fine without one but I’m not fine having hardly any social life. I just miss having friends, even if I only got to see them once a week it was still something to look forward to. I honestly wish I had people to go do stuff with and feel connected to. I want to feel like people care about me, and not when they need something or I need to pay a fucking bill. I always talk about how I’m good with being by myself but it’s just because I haven’t found anyone that I enjoy spending my time with. I know I have my little niece but I mean people my age.

Anyways, I suppose it’s time for me to lay down and watch some tv. All I know is it would be really nice to go do something with someone next weekend but I know it won’t happen. It never does. There’s no point in even making plans with anyone because I always get ditched out on and then I sit around angry about it. I just wish I knew when this shit would get better. I know that I like just working and doing my own thing but it would be great to have other people to share my life with.

Goodnight.