Fuck today. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so it’s not been a good day for me and I’m just glad to finally be at home, in my pajamas getting warm. It’s been super cold and rainy today and is supposed to be like this all week which really sucks because it definitely affects my mood hardcore. I can’t stand when it’s dark outside because it makes me depressed and moody.

So my day starts off with me trying to meet some chick to buy a pair of jeans and I realize I have a flat tire so I get to run around and buy a new pair which was $100 which I really couldn’t afford but both of them needed to be replaced and I didn’t want to just replace one and then worry about when the other one was gonna go flat. I went to 2 different places before I finally got sent somewhere that had the right size and then it was waiting for them to be put on because they had to put the better, newer ones on the front and the ones I just bought on the back.

Well, while I waited I was messaging with this guy that’s friends with that guy that I hung out with a few months back that I really liked and haven’t completely forgot about. I messaged him the other night and he didn’t answer which really upsets me when people ignore me because I’d rather be told to fuck off then someone not say anything at all. Messenger told me he saw them but of course, no response. It’s been bugging me ever since so I started talking to his friend. His friend was tryna coax me into telling him how I feel and just see what happens but I decided not to because after being ignored, that told me what I needed to know.

I spent the rest of my day being depressed about it because every time I like someone, they never like me and it makes me sad. It drives me nuts that I can’t ever find a decent guy and that’s why I end up with assholes that treat me like shit because I can’t get a nice guy to like me. I know that I only hung out with this guy one time months ago but he touched my heart in a way no one else has and I just wanted to touch that part of my life again but he won’t give me a chance. I’m honestly hoping that I’m just gonna forget about it but it’s hard when I come home to an empty house every night knowing that there is a guy out there that I would actually like to be with that I can actually see myself enjoying his company but won’t give me the time of day.

Anyways, then I spent my free time before work being depressed and not wanting to go to work because I’m honestly sick of being there. I’m sick of the bullshit I deal with everyday and I never feel like I never get enough of a fucking break. It’s so hard to go back after a 2 day break and then I get more angry that I’m never going to be able to take a vacation because I have a car payment and so many other bills. I was also pissed that I had to give up time today getting new tires because I just wanted to chill and maybe even get a little bit of a nap before I had to be there but of course that didn’t happen.

I’m just....tired. I’m just so worn out with working all the fucking time and still never getting ahead on bills. I’m sick of having to worry about my car payment. I’m sick of feeling like I never get enough sleep. I’m tired of worrying about my job and all the drama I have to listen to everyday. People hate the new GM and have started to single him out and that bothers me. Ugh, I just wish I could fucking run away..perhaps to nice hotel where I could sleep like a rock, wake up to room service and maybe get a massage. God that would be so nice. Pipe dream.

It also bothers me that I never really have anyone to open up to. I really wish I could afford counseling because there’s so much that I’d like to get out in the open and get some positive feedback on. I really wish my parents were more like parents. I really miss my Mom being that loving Mom that I need now. I know that I’m 30 years old but it would just be nice to feel like my Mom loved me. She does but still makes no real effort with me or my older brother or his kid and sometimes it just kills me. Sometimes I just want to call her and just start screaming and crying but I don’t because it wouldn’t change a thing.

I don’t know, there’s just so much on my mind and I don’t know how to deal with it all. I don’t want to be angry or depressed but I don’t know how else to be. I don’t know what to do about my feelings. I want so badly to feel like I mean something to at least one person in my life but most of the time, I still feel pretty alone and isolated.

Things got so bad today that I thought about suicide and that hasn’t been a thought for me in a long time. Seriously, I know things aren’t that bad but I feel really overwhelmed and I’m scared that I’m never going to be where I want to be. I just want my car paid off and I want to have good credit again. It would be nice to buy a house but I’m scared that I wouldn’t make enough money and that I would have to work even more than I do now and not see my niece. I already feel like I don’t see her enough so it’s just not an option right now. I thought about suicide but then immediately felt guilty because I couldn’t do that to my niece. That little girl loves the hell out of me and I can’t leave this world yet.

As much as I think I’m okay with being alone, when I think about that one guy it makes me really want to have someone to share my life with. I’d love to have someone that I could come home to. I’d love to have someone to eat dinner with, cuddle with, to kiss when I get home. Someone to love me when I’ve had a bad day. I really don’t want to be alone but I guess I have no fucking choice.

goodnight