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For some reason i am reminded of a very stressful time in my life as a teacher in this specific classroom. My first year teaching here i was part time and my classroom was on a stage. My second year i was moved to a nice, large classroom and a full time position. In fact, the whole school was moved around because there was a new 10 plex built. We had 2 working days before school started and i had a classroom full of someone else’s belongings. Plus, i had to schedule 30 middle schoolers from 3 different grades into small groups for reading, writing, and math.

Somehow, after another teacher moved all of her classroom out, there was still a scary amount of “stuff” in my room. Random file cabinets, somewhere around 40 chairs, tables, computers, bookshelves, etc, etc, etc.

Then, the day before school started, the other special education teacher was displaced from her classroom because we suddenly got a new 6th grade teacher because our numbers had increased.

Now, this is a problem to be solved. But for me, it was almost insurmountable. Of course, it was not that dramatic, but i was almost paralyzed with anxiety. What do i do with all this stuff? How do i organize it into a classroom that can be used the very next day? I was completely overwhelmed.

Luckily, the teacher who ended up sharing a classroom with me was incredibly spatially aware (coming from a previous career as an corporate architectural designer) and organized. If it weren’t for her, i may have broke down. Who knows how that would have looked? I had no control and did not know what to do. I cried and just sat there.

I am not sure why i was thinking of that, i sit here thinking about how i can make a connection to my own current life. I have a couple ideas:

1. I don’t know if i can take another job. The idea of going into a place where i don’t know people, environment, expectations, boundaries..... just sounds overwhelming. Even if Bellingham called and asked for an interview. I know now that i would go out on the interview, just to show the two people who love me most up in Bellingham (my best friend and Mark) that i made an effort to get a job up there. But i feel like i am lying to them because i will not move.
2. I want to learn the skills to cope with situations in which i can’t decipher the boundaries. And if i still can’t, how to recognize when it is time for me to ask for help. I have gotten better at that one, but i still end up dealing with more than i should, thinking “this is the way it is” and that i should be able to take care of business on my own.
3. In my life, it turns out that i come across as someone who can take unstructured environments and situations, that i can handle the unconventional. In reality, i crave that structure. (as an aside, that is one reason i am so attracted to what i have with Dios)

Where else am i going?

Two weeks ago i was given the homework assignment of “What do i want?” from my counselor. I missed her last week because i came in an hour late. I have not really followed up on that question. A few entries back i wrote about what i want in a partner. Now when i think on what i want, i think of what changes i want to make. But that is not what she was asking, is it?

Its another one of those times where i do not really know my boundaries, so it makes me freeze or just put the task off. But, i could create my own boundaries, right? What does that look like?

Boundary 1- what do i want Big Life Generalities?
Love
Peace
Adventure
Happiness

Boundary 2- how do i accomplish the above?
Friends
Family
Travel
Food
Caring for others
Books
Knitting
Work
Yoga
Solitude
Passion/sex
Self reflection
Counseling
Writing

Boundary 3- what is happening now?
A lot is happening now. I have family that i love dearly, friends that i care for, travel planned for the summer, books to read, knitting projects in the works, yoga twice a week (and a summer retreat planned), passion and sex with Dios, a job that i love but also find anxiety in, writing and self reflection together here, counseling ongoing, solitude during the week when i am home alone with my kitty,

Boundary 4- what do i need?
I need to grow my own garden, spend more time looking out at the stars, and hiking in the wilderness. I need to continue to work on my release of control and ability to be vulnerable in the arms and in bed with Dios. I need to learn how to establish boundaries and talk about them with others. I need to pick more berries and make more jam, explore that fermentation book i bought more than a year ago, bake more bread (more of the domestic stuff that i love)

I need to live and love in a house with a big yard and windows with sunshine and laughter and life. I need to grow what i eat, be more sustainable, be less of a consumer (and in comparison, i am much less of a consumer than most people).

Boundary 5- how do i get it?

Who knows, right now. I have students coming in 6 minutes from now, so i need to go.

This melancholy is preceding my counseling appt today. For some reason, i feel it is going to be a biggie.

Le sigh.

Last updated May 19, 2015