Transformation in Random Thoughts

I have been making changes around the house, trying to take back my life. I find joy in small changes. (mayhaps I have already covered this territory)

• Cooking whole wheat pasta
• Leaving the dishes out overnight without worry that someone will be passively mad at me
• changing the curtains in my living room
• moving the furniture in my bedroom and using the blanket he did not like
• music- whatever is my whimsy. I have even been neglecting the scads of podcasts I usually keep up with.... Lately my music tastes have been running in the psychedelic, trippy, dance-y Massive Attack, Sky Cries Mary, the XX.... A lot of it belie my 1990’s teenage and early 20’s timeframe
• non-traditional eating habits, less meat, smaller meals
• yoga- I have been going twice a week

Dios left my place a little over an hour ago. It was his first visit and I was nervous, and honestly, the experience was nerve wracking. Negotiating learning a new persons communication, wants, needs, etc… And not knowing what is expected of me, not having boundaries set.... it all made this weekend difficult. We worked some of it out, but there was an interesting experience that made me reconsider whether I wanted continue what we have going on.

He has anxiety. In a nutshell, he has commonalities with Kevin in the area of moodiness (but none in the area of being an asshole and passive aggressive and comdescending). That anxiety came out when we were out for (a delicious Lebanese) dinner last night. But by the time we walked back to the train and made it home, things were worked out. Dios is a little intense and comes across as if he is arguing, but it’s really just the way he interacts with the world. So, I get the feeling that as a result of the anxiety he has a hard time when he first visits a place he has never been. He apologized. I will look for other signs in this area, because I have a low threshold for moodiness after 3 years with Kevin. Good thing I only see Dios on weekends.

In other news, I booked 4 nights in a studio by the beach in Santorini, Greece! As of tomorrow, we have exactly one month until we are flying to Turkey!

I have mentioned this before, but this trip will certainly show whether we are compatible (he definitely thinks we are, I just heard last night about how when we first dated in 2011- only for about a month before I took custody of my 5 year old nephew and had to break it off- that he really fell for me. I have no idea how or why that happened. I know I was not as into him then. I was not ready, I don’t think. I might be now, especially if we live 2 hours away from one another and only get together on weekend.

Now, as an important piece to this whole puzzle with Dios is the amazing sexual compatibility and attraction that we have. We are amazing in bed together. He is helping me break down those emotional walls with what cheesily could be called sexual healing. He gets me. He knows that I don’t voice what I really feel or think and he wants me to. Part of the communication issues I have are in the area of sex. At some point in my life I just learned that my partner is not interested in pleasing me and only I can do that for myself. As a result, I have a very, very hard time orgasming with someone else. I just can’t let go. I can’t stop my brain, just be, just let it happen.

Well, I can’t say can’t because we are working on it. I have come as close to orgasm during sex than I ever ever have in my life. It’s amazing, but it also take an effort at letting go. Oxymoronic, right? So gosh darn close last night. I have never been in a place like that before. He wants to please me, and is so, so incredibly skilled at it. I know the tiny holdback that will burst through when I finally do come during sex.......... I will be his. I know it. I won’t be able to deny it. Maybe that’s why it hasn’t happened yet. And maybe that’s one transformation. There is something lurking behind what’s happening with us and I don’t particularly want to explain much of it now.

On an interesting turn about Dios- this is the first time that I have been so crazily physically attracted to someone where their looks and body has been in any way part of it. I am unbiased when it comes to people I date, because I fall for people irregardless of physical beauty. I could have totally fallen for Michael in Bellingham and he is a fairly hefty guy. But Dios- tattoos, hot, hot body.... I love feeling his arms around me, he is strong and I feel safe. Odd. In the past when I have been this attracted to someone’s looks and body, i knew it was going to be a fling.

Ha! I just had to put my iPad in the fridge because it said the temp got too high. I guess that’s what I get for writing while sitting in the hot Pacific Northwest 75 degree sunshine!

Another thing I have taken back- my engagement ring. I am wearing every day on my right hand. It is now an antique family heirloom.

So, the title of this entry says transformation. Perhaps I am not specifically addressing one per say, but I think the past couple months have been part of a much needed change.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom” ~Anais Nin

An apropo quote from the wall at the yoga studio I attend. I love it.

And I love you. Thank you.