looking back there were signs in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

there always are.

I um. w/ alexis I mean. she missed a wk. when she was out of town in.........prior to my going overseas. which is fine. people go out of town all the time and there’s nothing wrong w/ that. and then she’s going out of town for 3 wks. next month, so. obviously we wouldn’t’ve been able to meet then.
and she talks about her students a lot. um. I feel like she’s not as devoted to me as she can be. and maybe she’s not. which was her point on...........thurs. and again I need to know someone’s going to do anything for me. I need to feel that from them. and w/ her and Stephanie I just don’t. it’s just how it is. w/ evan I do. I know of a few examples............he once told me [or eluded to it] that he’d fly a sign. saying something like he needed food. not for him for me. this was back when I was really sick. I mean it’s different cause he knows about my eating disorder and i’m comfortable w/ him. well i’m comfortable w/ alexis too but we have that whole confidentiality thing between us, so. I don’t tell her about certain things as I don’t want her telling my mom. alexis knows I was raped but she doesn’t know the details other than it happened more than once.
she told me she’s not going to just. like not talk to me like Jessica is. er isn’t rather. yeah I haven’t heard from Jessica since she left. I know being here wasn’t working and I think people should do what’s best for them [although they don’t always] but it’s like wow. so we spent a yr. getting to know each other and then. after she leaves she doesn’t call. she doesn’t email. I guess I really don’t have a relationship w/ her anymore. [well no not if she’s not going to call or email]. so all that time what.............
I’ve often thought if you don’t have time to be w/ someone then don’t. i’m not stopping people from trying to make it work. and we did we tried. but in the end it didn’t. work. so I guess.........this is where we are. I mean it’s better but I don’t see it that way.
people keep leaving me. first my ex 2 yrs. ago when we broke up...........then Pat. and while evan didn’t leave well i moved out of my place 2 yrs. ago and then the situation changed. well actually back in Nov. he left. he moved to CA and has been there at least half a yr. and I don’t know when he’s coming back or even if he is. i’d love to see him and he knows that option’s always there but. he doesn’t have a job [he’s not good at that game finding jobs. I don’t know that he tries really. to get one. or maybe he does like I said I don’t know] and so therefore doesn’t have money to get a plane ticket. and all that.
ya know. so then in Dec. Jessica as iput left. and now alexis is leaving. well I mean. she’s not moving she just won’t be my mentor anymore. I um. see this is why I don’t get to know people. is cause this is what keeps happening. and it has ever since Pat. left. and I’ve been afraid of it ever since.