What to do. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I put in my 45 hours last week and still feel pretty tired. I wish I could just stay home today and rest but I have to leave for work in about 2 hours. They called me to come earlier but by the time I got there, everything was calm so I didn’t have to stay, thank God. They told me I can stick around but I just want some time for myself before I have to be there this afternoon. I walked around in Gordmans and tried on a couple of pairs of jeans but they didn’t fit so I put them back and came home. sigh

I still don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do about buying some new jeans and it makes me super depressed that nothing fits. I know that I haven’t gained any extra weight, I just can’t find anything that fits like I want it to and that I like. I am down to 2 pairs of pants that I wear to work but am going to be completely screwed once they get too worn out to wear anymore. I hate buying new clothes. I fucking hate buying new bras too.

This being grossly overweight stuff really sucks and makes me depressed. I can’t stand my size but honestly, don’t have the time or willpower I need to get healthy. I know that I don’t want to stay this size but I don’t feel like I would stay consistent in being healthy either. I’m still paying for a gym membership and never go. I just never have the time or the energy.

I didn’t take my niece at all this weekend and feel massively guilty for it. I saw her for a few minutes Saturday night but it just wasn’t enough. It was her Mom’s birthday yesterday but I wasn’t invited to hang out and wasn’t about to invite myself either. I was pissed that I went to the rents to see them and give my Mom and little brother the gifts I got for them but my older brother didn’t go. He just never makes them a priority at all and it really starts to piss me off. He’s just so disconnected from them and there’s nothing I can do about it.

They really liked the stuff I got for them and I stayed for a couple of hours. I came home and showered and then I was supposed to hang out with Heather but she didn’t get back in touch with me until 9pm and by then it’s just too late to go anywhere. I enjoyed my night at home and got a good night’s sleep. I’m happy I’m only scheduled until 9pm tonight because I want more sleep and want to get to bed at a decent hour tonight.

I’m really irritated about how much I want to lose weight but I don’t do anything to make it happen. I’m still smoking, eating junk and drinking soda. I just don’t know where my motivation went to lose weight. I know a lot of it has to do with my job. I work really hard and am hungry for several hours so by the time I eat, I’m eating whatever I can get my hands on, I eat too fast and eat too much. I just need for things to slow down so I can start getting a handle on shit. I also want to start going to the gym, at least every other day. I miss swimming like crazy. It’s been massively cold here again lately so that’s another reason why I haven’t gone. It snowed like crazy last week and we had a blizzard so it stops me from going.

I really do want to be healthy and feel good about myself, I just don’t know how to make that happen because my job takes up so much of my time and energy. I still buy a lot of healthy shit when I get groceries but eat a lot of fast food too. I just need to make a day to start dieting again. I want to make sure I have plenty of healthy stuff in the house and just stop myself before going to get fast food somewhere. It’s easier said than done though. Even today, I could have eaten at home but still went and got tacos and donuts. FUCK. Old habits die hard. I did so good for so long and now, I just don’t know how to get back to that.

Most of my problem is my job. I always start off strong at the beginning of my shift but then I get hungry and have to eat what’s there and none of it is a big healthy. I used to be okay with eating a banana or some kind of snack I bring with me but haven’t been doing that lately. I just have to get back in a good strong mindset and make this shit happen. I can’t afford surgery and I don’t want to see myself gain any more weight too.

I still haven’t unblocked Eric and don’t plan to. He just has way too many issues that he needs to figure out and I don’t want someone like that in my life weighing me down. I am finally in a good place and I’m not going to let anyone change that. He’s a piece of shit and I wish him all the best in getting his life on the right track. I remember how annoyed he would get when I wouldn’t give him a ride or let him stay at my house but I’ve let people use me my whole life and I just can’t do that anymore. Until a guy comes along that’s already established, I’m good with being single. I’m not going to be one of those girls that just bounces from one bad relationship to the next. I deserve way better than some guy that’s an alcoholic, works a dead end job that blows every dollar he makes, doesn’t have a car and doesn’t have any real goals. Fuck that.

I’m really hoping that I have a good week and I don’t plan to work anymore than what I’m scheduled because I really want to spend some time with my family this weekend. I like making money but I need my time away from that place too. I feel really guilty for not seeing my niece at all this weekend and I feel like I keep putting my job first. It’s just so frustrating never having enough time for myself because if I don’t work a lot, my paychecks aren’t very big. I am still working very hard to pay down my car and my credit card. My credit score has gone down from having a large balance on my card so I must stop spending money. I do plan to buy another laptop because I’m down to one and it’s not going to last much longer. I have a guy that’s going to fix the ones I have but I don’t know when and I don’t trust anyone else with them.

One day off just wasn’t enough. I must stop letting myself work so much. I’m sorry that other people don’t show up or we just don’t have enough people but I need to start making other things in my life more of a priority. I don’t want to give up seeing my niece and I want to start working out and eating healthy. I must find an equal balance for everything. I’m annoyed that I didn’t get any time for myself and to do the things I like to do. It’s frustrating because as much as I need money, I need to have more of a life outside of work too.

Anyways, time for me to brush my teeth and get dressed for work. Hoping my night goes super fast so I can come home and get some me time…