I havent been doing my homework in Random Thoughts

I was supposed to do some homework for counseling. I did, a little. But, like i usually feel when i don’t know what’s expected of me..... i am incredibly anxious about this assignment. In my previous entry i wrote what i wanted in a partner, but there is more.

And, i don’t know if i am doing it right. Most likely there is no “right”

sigh

Over the weekend i smoked pot for the first time in a quite a while. It was at Dios’ place. He smokes a lot. I abstain because it puts me too into my brain. Its not much different than usual, actually. Just when i am not stoned, i have coping mechanisms for dealing with all the buzzy bees. While stoned, i don’t have that filter/wall/coping skills. So, Dios said i was fine, but in my head i was thinking/thinking/thinking. I actually had to repeat my mantra.

Otherwise my weekend was nice. Some parts, very very nice. Some parts odd. We booked our flights to and from Turkey and i experienced a little of what Dios is like when stressed and what causes the stress. I should have taken over a lot sooner than i did, i guess having all those options and numbers and times got his brain spinning. I would have just found, picked, and purchased the tickets, while he was on the computer four hours. I actually did not leave for my 2 hour drive home till 6:30 last night. It was ok, but slightly annoying. Once i get the confirmation email from him, i will purchase the flights to Santorini, Greece, which is supposed to be one of the most beautiful Greek islands.

We are going to come out of this trip either really not liking each other, or with a nice strong bond. Who knows. If he gets as stressed as he did yesterday, i really wonder.... also there are come communication pieces i need to learn. It has a lot to do with his need for honesty and getting to the point. Its not that i am not honest, its that with my guards and walls and emotional built communication fortress, i have often found ways of answering questions in which it sounds like i am giving you an answer, but i am actually avoiding saying what i mean/want/feel/thing/ etc. In the past i have recognized that i do this, but now i know why, and i really need to work on it. Its a good learning experience.

I did something to take back a piece of ..... well, i don’t know how to say it. When Kevin and i were together, i bought my engagement ring. Its amazing. I found a Edwardian era setting in very fine condition (over 100 years old) with orange blossoms, etching, lacy, and two lovely sapphires.... and then i had my great grandmother’s diamond mounted in it. Next month i will have it paid off.

Kevin had nothing to do with the ring. I picked out what i wanted while i was with my good friend Mandie and her mom. I am paying for it ($1300 i think for a ring that was appraised at $3000).

So, what i decided to do was to wear it. Make it an heirloom. I had been embarrassed that i even had it, thinking it would just stay in the box in my bathroom closet for an undetermined amount of time. I am just taking that ring back for myself. It never even had an “engagement” feel to it anyways. I kind of even felt like i was marrying myself.

More power to me!

I really don’t know what is going to happen with Dios and i. We haven’t spoken about it, which i go back and forth feeling comfortable with. We starting this thing with him knowing that i was applying for jobs in Bellingham. And, i did get a call for a job interview at an alternative high school in Bellingham. But, the thought of adding another transition on top of leaving Kevin.... all while i am doing counseling and getting my heart and head on straight.... it makes me worried. Getting to know another whole school’s style of communication. Finding the boundaries, or needing to set them. Not knowing what’s expected of me. Then putting me in a town (that i love!!!) where Mark would like me to play house with him and where there is at least one unrequited passion lingering (Sean, oh my gosh, every time i have been back in town there has been some sort of entanglement that i need to extricate myself from… and mainly that is your arms and lips). It might not be a good idea to put myself back into that situation without some good strong coping skills.

But then, if there was not this thing with Dios happening, then maybe i would jump on this chance to interview? I am not sure. I trust that i am looking at the situation clearly, but perhaps i need to make a pros and cons list. I wonder if there is a way to import a table onto PB, i would love to build that pros and cons table here.

Well, i have taken a good portion of my morning prep time and done a good job of avoiding my counseling homework.

Yoga, knitting, food, and Dios is coming to my house this coming weekend. I am kind of nervous.