Before dawn in Magma

Sitting at work now a half hour. It is 6:15am. I am here because I have no choice in getting things done, it is unfair one person must make these efforts alone to catch up and get work done. But I have no one else to depend on. My father doesn't do estimation, nor his partner. So I am here to make a go at it, chip away at the ever growing tonnage of work to do.

On the home front I am trying to regain myself, thinking alot about my errors, my grave errors. I pulled people down with me, good people who didn't deserve to be thrown under the bus. That spot should just be reserved for me.

I wish I could speak to them and explain. I'm sorry.

My father says with an "I'm sorry" you can kill someone. Lately I feel like I have.

I have lost a friend whom is a good person, I can't have contact with them but I know why. I played a dangerous game with their heart, I feel shameful about it. Knowing full well I couldn't commit to them, it wasn't right and I always felt regret in leading them on. "He won't leave her" she said once in a private note.

I speak with my wife every night, we are trying to mend things, talking sometimes till way past midnight. I still have so far to go.

So now my day begins as light creeps across the horizon.