Today Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Today has been a hard day. It seems ironic that even though I carry a life inside me and can never be alone, I have never felt more alone than I do this day.
Today I just wanted to quit. I wanted to quit going to work. Quit paying bills. Quit looking for a house. Quit cleaning my apartment. Quit everything. I just want to run home to my mother and father and sleep in their spare room and not have to worry about bills, friends, and all other responsibilities. To just be able to lay in bed and have my mom cook me dinner and all I would have to do is show up.
Today I cried a lot. I cried at work because a co-worker, Steph, hurt my feelings and when I tried to explain it to her she got mad at me and wouldn't even listen. I called her last night to make sure she was coming in at 11:30 because I wanted to leave at 11:35 to go view a house. She guarenteed that she'd be there so I confirmed with the realitor that I would be there at noon. I told another co-worker, Angie, the time because she had to leave at 12:30 to go to Detroit and wanted to see the house. So everything was set up. At 11:35 Steph calls and says she running late and to "just transfer phones" and go. Two days prior our boss said we were not allowed to do that. In addition, I had a resident was in the office chatting with me and I felt rude to shoe her away and lock up the office. I was stuck and couldn't leave. When Steph got there at 11:45 she came in and never apologized. As a matter of fact her first words were, "has anyone contacted you about what's for lunch?" Then she called the maintenance guys and started talking about lunch. Luckily, the house was already sold and I didn't have to go because I would have been very late and Angie probably wouldn't have been able to see it. When I tried to talk to her about it she yelled at me and said, "I am always here 1/2 an hour early! I am NEVER late! What is the big deal?" I stood up and walked to the door of the office and said, "The big deal is the ONE day I actually needed you to be early, you weren't." Then I walked out crying. She still never apologized and the rest of the day we hardly spoke to each other.
Just thinking about the whole thing makes me cry all over again. It's like everything is adding up and I can't handle all the weight. The loneliness is just about sufficating me. I get angry and bitter about my past. Why I wonder can I not feel love? Why can't a man figure out a way to love someone like me? I'd treat them good. I promise. Alas, every man I have ever been with in the last 10 years used me for sex. I know that even "my baby's daddy" did the same thing. I was just a warm body for him. When he had sex with me and looked at my eyes he was looking through them. I'd do just about anything to have a man look into them for once.
I know that most of these feelings that are spilling out on the page are due to pregnancy hormones. However, the emotions are still there. They still feel real. It still hurts and the tears that run down my face are still formed from my eyes and felt with my heart.
Her
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Sorry such a rough day. Things seem so much worse when you are pregnant too! You will be surprised when the baby comes how all of these things just fall away and you make your own little world--keeping the baby safe and happy will be all you care about. Hang in there. You can do it. [nursechicrn] 4/29/2008 10:36:45 PM
ah hon... hugs
[OddJohn]
4/29/2008 10:44:08 PM
You're right about the hormones, but that doesn't excuse what your co-worker did. How RUDE!!
You're going to be OK. You're going through a lot of changes right now in your whole life, and wanting to be taken care of at a time like this is totally normal, IMHO! [Mommy2Katie]
4/29/2008 10:45:03 PM
Sorry it's been such a rough day. Hopefully things will look up soon. [Maelona] [p] 4/29/2008 11:26:40 PM
Oh hon I'm sorry. Pregnancy hormones SUCK! You had every right to be upset with Steph, you were counting on her and she didn't come through for you. BIG Hugs* [mumof2lilboys] 4/30/2008 1:39:27 AM
I always tell myself that even if I never find real love with a man, I'm certain I will experience the love of my children. : ) [k_luv] 4/30/2008 8:07:18 AM
That would have hurt my feelings,too. Your co-worker was very inconsiderate,and then rude about it later. My experience with men can be summed up by the old adage-Before you meet the handsome prince,you gotta kiss a lotta frogs. [angelhair] 4/30/2008 8:36:18 PM
I've felt those feelings too...i'm sure we all have. Hang in there. The bad times pass like the good ones do. [A Booklover] 5/5/2008 1:12:08 PM
Sorry you had a rough day. I hope today is better for you! [Smushers] [p]
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