May contain trace elements of humor. in I Can't Believe It's Not Twitter™... Spray!

Anyone who trusts their senses implicitly has never had their smartphone vibrate when it wasn’t.

If I were an AI running The Matrix, I would make sure to implant the idea for a mediocre trilogy so people wouldn’t take the idea seriously.

Idea: A Seuss-like motivational book for people with a fear of public restrooms, called “Oh The Places You’ll Go!”

TRENDING: Actor to play part in movie that you’ll hear too much about before its release.

The most surprising (and unsettling) realization I’ve had at my age is the discovery that a lot of adults are just children who got old.

I never realized how potentially spoilery IMDb can be just by revealing how many times a particular character doesn’t appear in a TV series.

What would you do for a Klondike bar?
What else aren’t you telling us?
How can we trust you around Klondike bars ever again?

“They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it’s not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.” - Terry Pratchett

As per usual when I get a quasi-sandbox GTA-like game, I’m going to see how long I can go in Watch Dogs before I’m forced to shoot someone.

The world can and will provide an endless supply of things to be angry about. Pick those that are most important to you but let the rest go.

Whoever coined the term “non-perishables” wasn’t thinking Big Picture.

Just accidentally donated $2.75 to the Empty Washing Machine Next To Mine fund. =T

When people say, “Nobody will probably share this” or “I doubt anyone will click Like,” I do my best to help their predictions come true.

In the Back To The Future universe, George McFly must’ve freaked out a little when Star Wars came out and “Darth Vader” was in it.

George: “I’m telling you, Lorraine, that Darth Vader character in the movie? He visited me in my room as a teen!”

Lorraine: “Okay, George.”

Then again, if George never noticed Marty’s striking resemblance to his high school friend Calvin/Marty, maybe he’d miss that detail too.

A click-bait haiku.
What Happens Next Will Shock You!
(Sorry, that’s a lie.)

The downside to choosing your battles is that you get no credit for opting out of a battle.

Hey, cold-callers: If you want to guarantee the fastest hangup rate from me, use an automated recording.

Before social media, the only time your friends ever interacted with your relatives was at wedding receptions and graduation open houses.

I’m sometimes grateful that I’m not famous enough for people to care about my stupider quotes and nitpick them through social media.

FYI, if you tell Little Caesar’s, “I’d like one of your bacon death pizzas,” they know exactly which one you mean.

Fear-mongering investigative exposés: what AREN’T they telling us? Details at eleven.

“The Amazon Fulfillment Center” sounds like it should be a spa, or possibly a cult.

Energy tip: Air conditioners use 100 times more energy than lights.
So if your A/C’s on? I wouldn’t even worry about turning off the lights.

Y’know, when parents hire an entertainer for a children’s party, they should make it clear up front that they’re not fans of insult comedy.

My sense of humor is all over the map, which helps ensure that there’s at least something for everyone to say “Wow, that was really stupid.”

William Shatner should have a son named Shidooby.

Few things make me more hypocritical than when I encounter someone with slightly worse penmanship than mine.

Me: “I’ll go to bed early and get an extra hour of sleep!”
Brain: “How about we just stare at the back of our eyelids for an hour instead?”

“Comprehension should not need validation.” “I know, right?”

For April Fool’s, clickbait websites should have articles with headlines like, “What This Person Does Next Will Make You Shrug And Go ‘Eh.’“

It’s taken me years to understand that it sometimes takes me years to understand some things.

If you’re compiling information and find yourself using the phrase “It is widely believed…“, maybe leave out whatever immediately follows.

Maybe I have trust issues, but I am skeptical when the caller ID on the office phone says “Your Friends.”

2010: HBO Go
2015: HBO Now
2020: HBO ASAP
2025: HBO Hivemind

Pro-tip: Allergy pills do nothing while in your pants pocket all morning. Except perhaps keep your pocket from sneezing.

AnimalFacts: Ancient Egyptians had no word for “schnoodle.”
AnimalFacts: No two pandas are exactly known for their philanthropy.
AnimalFacts: If you rub two cats together and then touch them to a telephone pole, you should probably be arrested.
AnimalFacts: Aardvarks, armadillos and anteaters are three of the animals that if you shout their name will net you more legroom on the bus.

Yesterday I saw a sign that said “Ask About Our Prenatal Classes!”
Education is important, but I think that’s too early. Let kids be kids!

Brain: “We should clip our nails!”
Me: “Okay.”
Brain: “Now let’s peel an orange!”
Me: “Oka-wait. Did you do this on purpose?”
Brain: “Hee!”

[hashtag]MakeAmericanTVShowsBritish Right, So I’ll Just Tell You Lot About The Time I Met Your Mum Then, Shall I?

Looking forward to buying discount dirt at the after Earth Day sales.

Pangolins are said to be the most trafficked mammal in the world. I’m surprised that it outranks humans.

I’m sure I need new glasses, but I think I’ll wait until I can afford a higher-resolution monitor. “Astigmatism: Nature’s Anti-Aliasing!”

I’m now watching the “I Dreamed A Dream” portion of Les Mis, and I have to say… when it comes to emotional singing, Anne hath a way.

The “Duck Season/Wabbit Season” episode illustrated the horror of Bugs and Daffy’s life: a world where sentient beings are hunted for sport.

[hashtag]WordsThatDontGetUsedEnough “I think that’s enough reboots for now.”