A list or, in other words, a narrative in Random Thoughts

So, i sit here while my poor students are taking the dreaded state test. Most are have a very long ways to go before they are done. I feel for them. You would be surprised at how stressed out they get over taking this test.

So, i sit here. Thinking i can start a list of “what i want,” though i have a vision of creating a huge mural with pictures and words. In my vision, i see a tree. I see starting from the top down. Perhaps focus on happiness and what will/does bring that to me. From there i can see patterns and pair it into categories that are not quite a huge as “happiness” and not quite as small as “grow a large garden”

I can’t do an art project here and now, so perhaps i will list.

So, i sit here. Last night i perused my old journals. It was not the right time to do it, because i was so distressed. I sobbed, i rocked, i held my hands in front of my face.

It reminded me that, no matter how much i have cried in the past (and it has been a torrent), i never wanted an intimate partner to see. Why wouldn’t i want someone i love and who loves me to see me cry?
i don’t think they will care
i don’t think they will understand
i don’t want to bother them
i am afraid they will not know what to do

So, i sit here. Talking about anything other than a list.

Happiness
Independence
Adventure
Love
Freedom
Security
Passion
Creativity

Sure, that is a list.

How about a narrative? The ideal. And it’s a hippie ideal, of a sort.

I want a partner who thinks i am pretty darn amazing, loves food and too cook with and for me. Maybe someone with a green thumb who would love to grow and use food for cooking. I prefer someone who does not buy into our cultural traps, no fast food, no need to adhere to brands, someone who is not a consumer. I want to be with someone who walks lightly upon this earth, a person who is conscientious. I’d like someone who loves music, but i am ok with that not being the case, because what i learned from Kevin is that i tend to put my music aside for someone else.

I want to feel that the partnership is that, a partnership. There is an egalitarian sense in that partnership. This means that i feel comfortable telling this person my thoughts, needs, wants, wishes, opinions. I want to dream about the future with this person.

I want someone who wants me. Someone who does not have issues in the way of fully participating in our relationship. I want to feel like i can fall apart in difficult situations and that person will be there to help me get back together. I want to be fought for. I want someone strong. I want to be held in the arms of a person and feel completely safe and taken care of. (as an aside, i reciprocate all of these needs).

There needs to be passion. I know passions subsides in all relationships, but i still feel that there needs to be an electricity between us. Too much of my life has been spent with men who do not know how to please a woman. Or, who do not care. I need someone who is willing to be patient with me when it comes to pleasure and orgasm.

I want someone with an adventurous spirit, who would like to travel to Central America or other fun and exotic places. Either that, or does not mind if i travel on my own and when i come back, is excited to hear about my adventures.

I want someone who is put together and can take care of themselves. (this stems from Kevin and Ricky, whom i took care of)

I fear that whoever i am with will decide to have a child because they know they may lose me if they say no. As a result, i would love to be with someone who wants to have a child with me. And the truth is, i wish i did not want a child. I really, really do. It would make my life so much easier.

I want Saturday mornings with coffee and NPR, gardening, music, farmer’s markets, big blankets on rainy days, time out in nature camping, hiking, traveling. I want to be asked how my day at work was. Someone to tell me to just not give a fuck when i am giving too many. I want someone who challenges me to rethink my reality when i need a push. Someone who gets to the truth of the matter, who expects honesty.

I do not want to be with someone who is passive aggressive, moody, indecisive, who cannot handle that i am independent and can take care of business on my own. I do not want to be with someone who does not want to know all of me and who holds grudges because they feel “emasculated” or something like that. Kevin used to get upset with me because i could do things that he couldn’t (as a result of me having a career and working more that 40 hours a week and him being underemployed).

To appreciate and be appreciated
To please and be pleased
To love and be loved
To explore and be explored

So, i sit here. Ready to sign off. There will be more. There is always more.....