15-05.04.91 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Alternate Title: Incongruous Realities

Today I’ve felt like all of my realities don’t mesh.

I’m usually the person of the household that does the cooking, the dishes, and the laundry. But on the way to work today, right before she disappeared out the door, my wife commanded me to “Not sit on my ass” and “actually do something for once.”

After cleaning the kitchen, doing two loads of dishes in the dishwasher, filing some legal paperwork on line for my license, and writing 9 thank you letters; I had a friend teach me all about Google +, Google Hangouts, Google Drive, and pretty much all of the other Google Features I’d never used nor known about that I may or may not need for my job.

Then I sat down in the living room and was both accepting and disgusted with my thoughts: So, you’re a 31 year old married attorney and you want to end your day by playing batman and masturbating? It just felt… like “yeah, I earned this” with a hint of “aren’t you old enough to know better?”

But.... old enough to know better makes me think of and consider some other items. Primarily… I really honestly feel like if my relationship with my wife was healthier and more “normal”… I think I would be more successful. I think she would be more successful. Because when your “Home Base” works well, you have more energy and focus to tackle everything else.

But, like clockwork, the thoughts I turn to become sexual dysfunction. Because it is so much easier to consider what is physically lacking opposed to what is emotionally lacking. Physical is so much simpler to point to and say HERE but the emotional… it is a lot more complex. So… while I would definitely say our emotional issues are far more important, and hurting us far more, I think that I focus on the sexual partly because it is just easier. That and, very honestly, because I honestly think I wouldn’t be as bothered by our sexual problems if I hadn’t waited the way I did. If I had just… sowed my wild oats… been some crazy horny college kid… something… I think this would be more acceptable. And, to really drill it home, if I had sown those oats and it wouldn’t have made this situation more acceptable… I think I would have been able to spot it early enough to not be stuck in the situation the way I am.

Tomorrow I work all the shifts. Every court shift, every interview shift, every paperwork shift. It should be a day. But I honestly worry that when I get home? I won’t quickly do the cleaning I want to get done; I won’t search for work the way I know I should… I’ll just… try to find something else to hide inside of. Video Games or Reading or Television. I may (if only temporarily) be reaching the point where I need a vacation from my life. lol