15-05.01.89 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

May 1. May Day. The first day of May.
The avengers came out today… I wanted to see it today during the day so as to avoid large crowds. Also, Wife was encouraged to go to the Autism Society to really get some understanding of what she has been told she has and to get help figuring out what kind of job she would be interested. Also… one of my close friends personally e-mailed me (and her) to let us know about a Career Coaching thing that cost $300 but included career coaching, employment assistance, and resume assistance.

Instead… we did nothing. Which, I should have known and understood already, but… I am really going to have to learn that… if I want to do something, I should just do it. Fuck what Wife says or wants to do instead. I should just do it. Because if I ask her or wait on her or any of that? It isn’t going to happen. Even food. I’m proud of her for working out but when she came back from working out, she asked me to make lunch. K, no worries. I cooked lunch. She sat around, so I sat around. Then it came time for dinner...... so what did I want to do to make it happen? Eye roll. Wife does the banking and numbers and stuff and I do appreciate not having to worry about that. But… I don’t like how I am “Head Chef” around here. And when it comes to cleaning? SOMETIMES I’m not allowed to clean because Wife needs it to be done exactly precisely in a certain way that nobody else can do but her. So, I’ll leave things for a bit when things get messy because I don’t want to be yelled at for helping out. THEN I’ll get yelled at for not helping with cleaning. It just really feels like… there are so many ways around here that I can’t win. Because I’ll get yelled at no matter what because… she doesn’t understand how to deal with her anger issues, doesn’t know how to deal with her communication and frustration issues… so she just… blows up on me.

Prime Example This Evening....
Since we weren’t going to leave the house , I was getting my Avengers on by trying to finish out The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes cartoon series on Netflix. Then Wife really wanted to watch something different. She’d never seen Battle Royale and I figured… why not? I ordered pizza (because I didn’t want to cook again) and we watched the movie. About half-way through… some things came up.
First- my wife could not tell the difference between the different Asians. Like… straight up racism “Which one is this?” kind of shit. Finally, I paused to try to explain a little of what was going on… that the Japanese Girl with Black Hair in this scene is in fact a different character than that Japanese Girl with Black Hair in this other scene! So she asked me to rewind it a bit which I did… then she got super pissed off and started yelling at me because I went too far. I stopped the whole thing and, again, did another one of those “You asked me to do this, I did this. If you want to yell at me because I didn’t read your mind; you’re going to get hoarse because even if I had that power… I wouldn’t use it.” It just… it really seems that I have to deal with her anger in that way. To stop everything. Explain to her the reality of what is going on; allow her to reflect on what is going on and just move on. Because… this shit is crazy. I’m not going to just sit here and get yelled at anymore. And if she doesn’t like it… then maybe she’ll understand what I’ve been going through.

After Battle Royale ended; I just handed her the Netflix Clicker and (genuinely) thought to myself- okay, do what you want to do because that is all you’re ever going to do. She switched it to some “Exploring American Sub-Cultures” documentary series but the first 3 episodes; she was (as is often the case) completely focused on her phone and her frustration and rage at her laptop.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow

I want to clean up around here and finish up any of my lawyer paperwork. Work out some. Just really get everything set for the next push. Job Hunting, Bar Association Participating, everything.

My birthday is Sunday. 31, so not super impressive. But… I’m absolutely going to see Avengers that day! So look for my Avengers post on Sunday, I suppose?

Wife, btw, also got a text this morning. Her mom just had her second TIA. I asked if she wanted to go to her parents… didn’t want to take off work. I asked if she wanted to call her dad or her mom at all? No. So… your mom just had her second Transient Ischemic Attack and you don’t want to reach out to your parents?? That is something I will never understand. I mean… if she had a strained relationship with her parents? I’d get it. If her parents were bad people? Cool, no confusion. But her parents are great people who love her. Hell, they are so supportive that they even came out to see my Bar Association Induction! But… I don’t know. I don’t want to play Armchair Therapist here but… it just seems like there is something with her about family. Like… as soon as she knows people love her and support her, it is like she can just put a checkmark by their name and move on.

But she is a supremely impressive gift giver. Seriously, my wife can give gifts impressively. She’s won contests in our family about that shit. Which, I’ll be honest, is why a few years ago on my birthday= I flipped shit. It was our first married May 3rd. And… nothing. It was the first time in our marriage where I felt that conflict. Was I being selfish or not? I didn’t need a birthday present; I didn’t care about a birthday present… but to have my wife not even get me a card or make me a birthday breakfast or anything really sealed that… no, I did need to mention it.
I tell that story because packages are coming in. I know they are birthday presents and I hate bitching about a person that is going to give me things. It seems… cruel. It seems like I’m saying “This person has serious issues; but gimme!” but… there it is.

As part of that, though, I wanted to share the Daily Affirmation I make about my marriage:
This is a family. Family means support, understanding, and cooperation. Family does not mean perfection. Family does not mean there will never be problems. But family means a large community of people who are in it for each other. My wife’s parents are my family. They have given support and caring that I value. My wife is my niece’s aunt. Niece said Wife’s name before she ever said mine. While I have significant issues with my marriage; I am responsible for my reactions and attitudes in connection with them.