Are you stupid or something?!? in Random Thoughts

Can you imagine that a person would say this to someone they love? I know it is out of context, but i am not sure whether it is ever acceptable. I am going to recount a conversation (fight?) Kevin and i just had, and know this is fairly typical of how things were when we were together.

I see him sitting up on the couch. Its 7:30 am and i am up doing morning business. I ask if he is up for the day.

Oh goodness, i cant even remember the details. I think that is my internal emotional safeguard. Either way:

He yells at me, asking “are you stupid or something?” and complains that i am being noisy. I walk away because i refuse to enter into an argument with him now that we are broken up and he is moving out. But i come back, because i need to tell him.

“This is completely unacceptable. You cannot yell at me and call me stupid in my house.”

He tries to get more into a fight. I desperately want to get into things with him and unload, but that is not what i should be doing because i could say some very hurtful things and drag up the past.

He says something along the lines of i never understand how noisy i am in the mornings and i say that actually at this point i dont care.

And i tell him, “you better not be here when i get back. it was never ok for you to treat me this way before and it certainly is not ok now.”

Those are the only type of words that have ever caused him to take any action or make change in the past. Now it is too late. He said he was going to be moving this weekend while i was out of town, but then started to hint that maybe he couldnt because he hadnt gotten the keys yet..... typical of him. Kevin started to beg me to reconsider and i stood my ground. I refuse to be in my house where i am paying rent and have someone who yells at me and calls me stupid.

So, i put headphones in so i wouldnt bother him. I was leaning on the counter shaking and crying. He came up to me and apologized and said that he hoped that this wouldnt end with such hard feelings.

I told him that i know the motivations behind how he acts and that i am not more mad at him. It just gives evidence that i made the right decision to break up our relationship.

Part of my tears were frustration that i even allowed him to treat me this way over the past two years. It was a waste of my time when i could have been happy, feeling free, dating or not, having great sex, maybe falling in love with someone who knew how to take care of me. Kevin has done so much damage to my ability to trust and be vulnerable with an intimate partner.

Well, this weekend i am spending two nights at a hippie-ish hot springs retreat center called Breitenbush. It is the place i visited right after i broke up with him 2 months ago, so it is kind of serendipitous. I plan of reading, writing, soaking in the pools, eating good food, getting a massage, doing yoga, and clearing my head and heart. I deserve this after all the black weight he has deposited on my soul the past few years.

No internets where i travel, so i will sign back on in a few days when i have my home to myself.