It's my life. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I went for a walk. I’d been saying internally that simply putting on pants and meandering outside would help. I couldn’t remember the last time I went for a walk. I do recall last summer when I would revel in running, getting all sweaty, and getting a nice tan in the process. I’ve had other walks, but I was again reminded of a walk I went on August 2013. Maybe because it was one of the last times I felt okay.

It sounds so silly, but I think I developed a fear/complex of being seen outside. At least I recognize it’s silly. The simple act of walking outside kind of shattered that notion. Shifting the headspace or some stuff.

I skipped cardio yesterday and took an extra rest day. Yadda yadda, I’m taking a light deload week before trudging forth. Today I’ll try a yoga class at night. I PLANNED IT. IMMA DO IT. Tomorrow, another day of rest. Thursday, light workout. Two more days of rest, then I’ll continue my “normal” workouts on Sunday.

It’s no secret I have a lot of issues. I see alcoholism as a symptom of something greater. It fills the void of something, but it’s not as simple as removing the unhealthy crutch unless you have something to replace it with.

The hardest thing to do sometimes is decide to do something, and then DO it. Success breeds confidence, and that helps to melt anxiety. My priority sequence is this:

1) Sleep.
2) Gym.
3) Nutrition.

If I don’t sleep good, it is VERY difficult for the proceeding day to be a good one. Getting my sleep in check is the first step to giving myself a chance to succeed. The habit of gymming, regardless of everything, creates the confidence that “yes, I can do this.” Remember: doing things is hard sometimes.

We all know what nutrition is code for. But like I said, you have to replace bad habits with good ones. And if you aren’t ready for good habits, or simply don’t HAVE any good habits, there’s no reason to give up the bad habits. Let me put it this way: remembering that alcohol is a problem already puts me in a bad mindset. On the other hand, remembering that alcohol IS THE REASON I’M FAT is a somewhat mindset. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s like reframing the problem into something that is similar to what I’ve already success with, as in eating right, exercising, and taking care of myself.

Did I mention I bought a scale? Shit man, I forget. I haven’t owned a scale in ten years. Whether it’s accurate or not, I’ll use it as a baseline to track stuff. Based on three day’s worth of morning assessments, I’d say I’m around 178 lbs, 21.1% bodyfat, and 41.4% muscle. It’s handy because it means I only need to drop 20 lbs to be comfortable again. That muscle % is handy because I can extrapolate that I have around 73 lbs of muscle - which I’d like to retain.

I guess I’m far past the days of publically struggling. I’d rather be able to say “This is what I’ve done to help myself” rather than “I know what to do, but I just can’t.”

Meanwhile, if a friend were to say to me “I can’t” or “I’m struggling and this will take time”, I would totally understand and never judge.