A Planundrum in Everything Else

Everyone always says “I am going to scream” or “I could just scream”. I am putting that into habit. Now I am not going to sit at my desk all day and scream. The last thing I need is a “sabbatical” for anger management. And this girl needs a steady income. No, my plan is to wait until I get into my car at the end of the day or at whatever point I am in my car, alone. I then plan on letting out a nice scream. I am thinking once in the morning and once at the end of the work day. Another alternative is to simply…

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Here is a little story about what prompted this.

Once upon a time, a person could have a calendar and in that calendar they could put appointments & due dates, to do lists, etc. Things progressed, as they tend to do in this fast paced, technologically driven world, and electronic devices came into play with all their bells & whistles to remind you. But there are those stubborn people who still like to write things down. But something has changed over the last three years. Just writing something down in a calendar was not enough. Suddenly you had to have a certain book, a certain calendar, and all the fucking pens, stickers, clips & tape from overseas. You had to have stickers of food and colored dots, you had to have tape to make things pretty. EVERYTHING had to have a color. Crayola was put to shame. You had to have a tool box to haul everything around in. New purses had to be purchased just for planners, because you cannot just have one, you have to have one for every aspect of your life (personal, family, work, health, reading, home projects, work projects, toilet breaks, pet care, spending, sleeping, eating, social media, hourly mood changes). And you cannot have some Walmart POS, you HAD/HAVE to have a pure Filofax and for fucks sake it has to be pink! And it has to have a name. Yes, your MoFoFilo has to have a name, something like (Sage, Athena, Derek (r.i.p.). And then it needs to have brothers, sisters & cousins! And you bet your ass they have to have names too.

** I should mention here that you now you are not just limited to FF. In recent months, Midori Traveler Notebooks & Erin Condren Life Planners have become all the rage. InkWell planners are on the rise & FauxDoris (knockoff Midoris that come in a variety of sizes, colors & price ranges) as well. If you invest in an ECLP, note that you are not going to need planner printables, but you will have to order new covers for every month, if not every week. And with the MTN/FTNs, you will need to have some additional trimming supplies if you are going to print them yourself (a metal ruler, exacto knife or big ass box cutter).
Did I mention you have to “move in” to your MFF|ECLP|FTN\MTN? Yes, you have to move in, create new dividers, flyleafs, dashboards, tabs. You probably should consider getting a new pencil case that matches (sold separately). Oh and those inserts that come with the MFF? Yeah, toss those, or offer them on IG for a fee (usually just shipping). You now need to hit Etsy & scour the shops for the right planner that you pay for then spend an ass ton of money on printing at home on your brand new printer (you need one of those too). Do you have a paper trimmer and hole punch? Not just your standard hole punch, the special one that punches all the holes just right (because FF and FC (Franklin Covey if you are a rebel) do not have the same hole structure)? Yeah, better hit your local Staples. And while you are there, you should pick up some pretty paper clips, the big ones, not those little things and some binder clips, make those pretty too. And if they have them (which they don’t) grab those Frixion pens because you are going to have to erase shit. God forbid you put it in the wrong color.

Okay, now do you have a camera with a video function & tripod? You can use your phone, but beware, there are space & logistical constraints. So, you should hit either Walmart (more economical) or Best Buy & pick up a Canon camera of some sort & a tripod. Actually, you will want a DLSR Canon or Nikon (only if you are not a bandwagoner, but you are already at this point, so get the Canon). Whatever the most expensive one there is, just get that and the most expensive point & shoot they have. Then when you get home, get over to Amazon and order up some studio lights, because you want to have the lighting just right. Spend the next two days checking the tracking on your lights (damn why can’t Prime be one day?!?). But don’t worry, you want to head over to Michaels or Joann’s (only if your Joann’s isn’t a shithole like the one here). Get a couple of baskets. The first thing you want to do is hit the sticker aisle. Now, don’t be picky, just grab one of everything, then head over to the washi. Here’s is where you have to pay some attention, first, you want to grab one of every washi there is, but if there are any that are pink, Union Jack, Frozen related, in sparse quantity, you will want to buy all of those as well. You probably should look into a credit card with a high limit at this point. After washi, you will need to get some journal cards, Project Life are lovely & name brand and can be a bit spendy, but go ahead and get all of those kits as well. If you didn’t think you would need any puffy stickers, you were wrong, you will want all of those, especially any food related items. Also, pick up a glue gun & some glue sticks because it isn’t a planner until you have burnt your fingertips (bonus if you do it the right way you may be able to become a criminal (most likely thief to get all your planner supplies). Grab some ink pads (Versa, Staz On, nothing cheap, and make sure you have a LOT of colors). Don’t worry about stamps, you will have to order those online. Pick up some pretty card stock to make your dividers & bookmarks from. You should probably pick up a few charms & some clasps as well. Now, make another stop at Staples & pick up some of that quality paper (24-32 lb) for your printables.

Now, with your Amazon order in and your house filled with more stationery & scrapbooking products than even the royal family would use, it is time to get to work. Set up your cameras & lighting, make sure you are not prepared with any sort of idea of what you want to talk about and press record. Make sure you say “um”, “okay”, “like” and “what do you guys think” a lot. No, the viewers cannot hear or answer you at that moment, but make sure you ask them! Spend the next two hours showing how you print, fold, cut & punch your planner pages. Then film tabs & dividers, then film decorating your pages (this will be a weekly feature so think of a pithy title for the series). Then film a flip through of your planner. Then take a billion photos of everything you have and if you didn’t do it first, film your HAUL! Next up is to edit all of your videos and add royalty free annoying stock music that is so loud nobody can hear you talk. Then upload that shit to your YouTube channel & wait for millions of mindless people to like & love all of your “work”.

Some filming tips for maximum subscribers:
• Laugh at only jokes & situations you find funny
• Always mention the lack of lighting & profusely apologize for the glare from your dashboard, flyleaf, glasses, etc.
• Make sure you have a fresh manicure and if your nails look as though you have been mining cow shit for gold nuggets, make sure you mention that you need a new mani, but you are SO busy.
• Be sure to mention meal planning. Because everyone wants to know what you are having for dinner.
• Be sure to schedule shit breaks on your planner. People need guidance on when to do things. If you can, find an Etsy seller with the doody emoji sticker. You can never have to many stickers.
• Don’t forget to upside down wave to the camera when filming overhead. If you don’t do that, people will think you are an asshole.
• Make sure you tell everyone you will “link everything below” and then point downward with your cow shit hands.
• Try to find a time of day to film where there is maximum ambient noise (a barking dog, crying child, sirens, etc). Viewers love to have their eardrums blown out by that. NEVER edit that shit out. NEVER!

If you are a stay-at-home mom or wife, then you win and will get the most subscribers. Nobody wants to see how childless or husbandless (sorry to stereotype but after exhaustive research, studies have found that 99% of Planner Addicts are women) people plan there day or have a need for planner printables that don’t have a space for children, laundry, meal planning, etc.
A word of caution to anyone out there who is thinking they will be able to find the perfect planner printable. You won’t. You think you will and you will spend a good year’s salary on trying to find “planner peace” but you never will. You will have a house full of fucking macaroon paperclips, stickers that you “just can’t use” because they are “too cute” and you “don’t want to waste them”. You will have sold some plasma just to get the new Recollections washi pack. You will have looked into organ donation to raise some funds to buy your next ECLP. You might even start a gofundme to either support your addiction or to launch your new sticker/insert Etsy shop that is exactly like some 475 million other “shops”.

The landfills are not going to be filled with shitty diapers & batteries. They are going to be filled with washi & journaling cards. If scientists are able to find a way to power the earth with paper products, Planner Addicts alone could provide 30 to 50 years worth of power on their “stash” alone.

I believe Ikea has assembled a new Avengers-like team of designers to put together a Planner Addict line of desks, carts, storage.

See this is why I need to scream. Because I fell about ankle deep into this fucking world and now I am trying to wipe off the sludge & just get back to basics!