Fuck.
So.
My life has me down today. Defeated by life.
My marriage is over. I mean its been over for a while… But its for real over. He’s moved on. He’s got the papers…
I didn’t think I’d be sad. Wrong! I’m devastated. I can feel my heart twisting inside me. My stomach feels sick. I feel like shit. When something is over, you see how it could have gone differently.
I could have been what he wanted… But then I wouldn’t have been happy.
Fuck.
I’m constantly torn between just doing what you have to do to get by and being happy. That tear goes beyond my marriage, too.
I want a family for my kids, but I also want to be happy… Maybe you just can’t have both. Or maybe so few find that.
I don’t know. I wish now, and I always have, that I could be normal. I hate that I’m a mental case. I hate that I can’t feel normal about things and just be content in life.
I hate that I’m so caring and would literally do just about anything just to make someone feel good or smile… But I’m always the bad guy. I’m the punching bag, the blame, the scapegoat, and just the reason everyone’s lives are fucked up. I guess being those things go along with making people happy and feel good about themselves.
Work was going great. The new administrator was too much for me, so I picked up a second job. Now the nursing home doesn’t want me because I’d miss one scheduled day a week… And my second job certainly can’t pay the bills.
I’ve failed miserably in 26 years. I’ve made everyone around me miserable. I’ve pushed everyone away. I lie thinking I’m protecting someone… I’m broke. A joke. And I’m still going no where fast.
Blah.
Fuck.
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