Processing in Random Thoughts

Not much time to write, since i have a grade level chair meeting this morning at 7:30.

I had a pretty intense counseling session yesterday. It left me shaky. I have to leave in a minute, but want to get back to this. Here are a few ideas:

• childhood neglect
  -a lack of safety
  -learning to hustle (not for money, but for basic needs and wants)
  -which leads to my very keen sense of reading people and being very … whats the word…

Ok, i am back. I feel on the edge of crying and i just want to go home and lay on my couch for the day. Guess i need a mental health day, but i have already used my personal days. It is a half day at school, so i think i could go home for the second half.....

So, here is how my counselor put it. Think of a house where you have a fence (rules, guidelines, that place where your parent gently guides you beyond and keeps you safe). What happens when there is never that fence? When you never know what rules or guidelines are? You never know what’s out there or what is going to happen? When i don’t know what is expected of me, then i don’t know what to do (oh, how i see that in all aspects of my life). In my professional life i have had to force myself to learn in these times, to “act” when normally i would be a deer in headlights, because if i don’t then i would be negligent in my duties. But in my personal life, no one has been there to “check” me, or some consequence that is dire enough that i have to make a change.

So, what are the resulting issues i deal with from this neglect?

• Communication, i fear sharing what i think, feel, need, want
• Sharing of self, i am an open book, but am i really? maybe my open-ness is really a cover for not wanting to share my real thoughtsneedswants because i fear hearing anything negative or that people will not accept me
• Control, i feel as if i have to maintain control of myself at all times, that it has taken so much effort and i fear losing control (emotional)
• Trust and vulnerability, i don’t think i have ever .......

I am a resilient child. I am lucky to be smart. I have adapted to my environment.

Ok, i don’t think i can write about this anymore. I am at work and this is difficult.

Last updated April 22, 2015