Vulnerability and Trust in Random Thoughts

“..... keep telling us that they’re not mind-readers, so we have to communicate. But it’s hard! Especially when it’s something they might not want to hear.”

I took that from a website i am perusing. It applies to many many parts of my life, for many years. Communication has been such a difficult thing for me and i am not sure i can really represent how difficult. I know that in our culture many people (i guess mainly women) have a hard time saying something that might be offensive or hurt someone. My problems take it to the nth degree, it seems like. I am going to give a very personal example:

I started an intimate relationship with someone and he was very open with me about having HPV. He was more concerned for me, because it can affect women more drastically. He mentioned to me that i should look into the HPV vaccine. Well, i already knew that the vaccine was created for young boys and girls about the ages of 11-13 and that there are controversies surrounding it. But, i didn’t say anything to him. Why? It’s complicated.... I could have just said that and it would have been like, “oh ok, i did not know,” and move on to next topic (or further into that one). So, what i did instead was tell him i would look it up and find out more information. But, the thought of communicating that i did the research and what the results are make me quiver. I feel like...... i don’t want to hurt him? that i have done something wrong? that its something he might not want to hear?

Maybe this difficulty in communicating is all wrapped up in my inability to be vulnerable and to truly trust someone enough that i know it is ok to say whatever is difficult for me to say? This is kind of a new thing for me to look at it this way- trust and vulnerability and how it plays into my communication issues. And surrender. A surrender into that trust.

I have actually gotten better about communicating my needs and wants over time, but i still have a long ways to go. Certainly i have caused or prolonged problems in the past as a result of my issues. I have hurt myself and others. It used to be so gosh-darned (!!!) hard for me that it was this physical ball restricting my words. I could feel it in my chest, keeping me from talking. Of course, i know it now as anxiety, but back then.... it was just me.

There is some honesty i need to share with a couple people. I need to communicate a couple of things. It is only fair. But it is difficult. Especially since i am afraid i can’t even trust my own emotions. I hate that. I hate, hate, hate that i feel this way about myself. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to anyone else involved (at least Kevin is not one of those persons, he has not gotten wrapped up in this problem because he was so hurtful to me that i could just take care of the communication business fairly easy). I oh-so-very-rarely use the word hate, which lends power to its use in my vocabulary.

I hate that i don’t trust my emotions.
I hate that i feel that all i do is hurt (potential) partners because i feel i am indecisive and messed up
I hate that my problems with communication have led so many decisions in my life.
I hate that i am 38 and feel beholden to the vision that my worth is gauged by the “married with kids” ideal
I hate that maybe i do want a child, but am getting to the end of my reproductive years, but feel i am too messed up, or too on the edge of discovery (and healing) to follow through with my wants

I do love that i am nearer that ever before, that place of self discovery
I love that i will communicate what i need to with the people i need to share
I love that i will have my home to myself and can read, write, listen, knit, cook, and engage in all the verbs i want to on my own
I love that i want to be vulnerable and trusting of someone(s)
I love that i want to let down those walls

(abrupt) end (of) transmission