15-04.10.78 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

I opened a news article today and the headline mentioned “Weekend of April 10-12.” Upon reading that my stomach turned, I grew short of breath, and the edge of panic set in. I didn’t know why and the reaction was so quick and so severe that I forced myself to calm down and reflect on why I would behave that way over something as simple as a dateline. Of course, it was obvious. April 10, 11, 12… just leaves 13, 14 before 15. This is my last weekend before discovering my fate from the Bar Exam. Truly a time of “I want it here now, I don’t ever want it here ever ever.” The last 7 or so weeks have gone by p a i n f u l l y slowly but looking back, it feels like it has rushed by. And on Wednesday… I get the results. Results that, despite my best efforts, are now more meaningful than anything I’ve ever attempted in my entire life. My career… my financial situation… where I’m living… my very marriage… everything comes down to this. It’s no wonder I started having a panic attack before even registering what triggered me.

Of course, I can’t help but wish (despite how hard I try not to) that my home life were vastly different going into this event. Sure, if I get good news… no worries. Champagne, celebrations, and smiles. Everyone likes to be swept up into happiness and my wife is no exception to that. But… it is our failures that make us the most vulnerable. And while my wife has assured me of her “support and understanding” it is obvious that, with her, it is all intellectual. She understands logically how difficult the exam is; she observed genuinely how hard I worked to pass the exam… but that isn’t what is necessary. I don’t need a Vulcan to explain to me that my efforts were valiant or the exam challenging. I need a Betazoid to embrace how emotionally devastating that failure would be. I need a Klingon to inspire me to continue the fight. I need an Orion to comfort and distract me from my emotional frustration. I need a Bajoran to help me put it all into perspective and find my spiritual center. It is funny… no wonder Kirk, Spock, and Bones made such a great team of friends. Spock had the mind to be the intellectual support and the Superego; Kirk had the fight/flight and sexual impulses (the Id); and Bones tried to keep reality as the center of his character (the ego). And yes, that is genuine. Think about the catch phrases and stereotypes. Spock was “Fascinating” or “Quite Logical.” Kirk is known for banging his way through the quadrant and his most memorable quote is rage-screaming “Khan!” Then there is Bones. How do we know he is the ego? Ego is often considered as being centered upon the reality principle. So let’s tweak Bone’s catch phrase. “Dammit, Id… the reality of the situation doesn’t perfectly conform to your request” or… “Dammit, Jim- I’m a doctor not a brick layer!”

Went off on a tangent there but… I totally allowed that tangent to try to distract me from the emotional dread of facing Wednesday sans readily available emotional support. I know, I know… I may have passed and hooray… no emotional support necessary. Just celebrating and finally after long last FINALLY being able to take a few steps forward in my life.... but I am, in this way, my father’s son. I don’t need to prepare for good news; but if there is bad news… there is much I must be prepared for. So, I err on the side of doubting myself and assuming failure so that I may prepare for that potential eventuality. And I just know if I fail, that empty hollow shocked and depressed feeling will empty out my soul… and I’ll look to my wife, in hopes of seeing understanding eyes or open arms… wanting to hear “I still love you” or “We’ll make it work”… and knowing I won’t get any of that.

My day has been… yet another in my endless string of wasted days. Ran errands, did chores, did some Secret Hunting in Destiny, played Batman, used the internet a lot. (Sarcastic) Hoo boy, what a day!
Here’s something that may be interesting. The Friday where the marriage counselor had me convinced there was no way to save my marriage… I went onto eHarmony.com to see what the Dating World of the New Age was like. Did one of those “free and don’t match me with anyone” profiles to see what kind of questions and processes go into Online Dating. After answering all the questions and all of that stuff; eHarmony does this “we know you said no matches, buuuut if you wanted to be matched here is a teeny tiny bit of information on the types of people we think fit you.” Translation: here is the reason to become a full member and start paying us a subscription fee- give us your money! Of course, I’m still married… there is now hope that this marriage may be salvageable… but I’m still not entirely convinced of that… but here’s the humor. 100% of the eHarmony suggestions for the type of woman I should be with? Nurse or Teacher. Apparently, my personality is best suited to be dating an individual who either works in Nursing or Teaching. Yeah… I can kind of see it.