no filter in 2015

March 30, 2015
6:01pm

Oh life, why must you be driving me crazy all the time? How is it that I get wrapped up in these situations that I don’t even seem to have any control over in the first place?

I mean, obviously a big part of it is my brain. I super over-analyze. I read way too much into just about everything. I let my extreme imagination wander too far. But man, the poor thing doesn’t know any better. I shouldn’t chastise it too much. It still gets me through the day, can memorize a ton of numbers and information, and makes me wicked smart [and totally humble!] so I gotta give it props for that! :-)

Anyway, on Saturday we decided to head out to dinner after work instead of the usual church trip [we went on Sunday, so no big deal]

[sidenote: I always feel a little weird and hesitant mentioning church. I know y’all won’t judge me for it, but I still feel the need to explain it away, or something. I’m more into the spirituality than the organized religion stuff, but I still go to church. Mostly ‘cause of my Catholic guilt and need to please my mother. hah!]

So we closed earlier on Saturday (5 o’clock) and ran a couple towns over to meet my aunt for dinner and drinks. It’s kind of our thing. Dinner was pretty good [except the silly waitress who thought it was ok to leave us without a light bulb as the sun was going down-ugh eye strain] and drinks were alright. I even convinced them to go out to ice cream after dinner because I occasionally get a craving for the stuff.

On our way back to drop off my aunt, I spotted this big white dodge truck driving down the road towards us. Of course I immediately thought of CK and when he drove by, it totally looked like him too!

April 4, 2015
2:22pm

I should scrap this and start over but I figure it’s worth saving. One of those memory things I’m going to want to look back on. Even if it’ll make me shake my head and roll my eyes.

So it took me a block or two before I decided I should just send him a text. For fun you know. To see if it was him. He hadn’t responded to my last message, which is why I hesitated in the first place. I’m one of these crazy people that thinks all conversations should go back and forth. And I certainly never want to take up anyone’s time who isn’t interested in talking. Because I can’t read him, I never know if he’s responding to be polite or if he’s genuinely interested in conversation.

I sent the message though asking if that was him driving down the street on his cell phone. He responded and asked where I meant [since I don’t live in that town and there was no reason for him to assume I was there].

Turns out he had actually been driving down that street, checking his phone, not long before I sent the text, but the person I saw wasn’t him. I double checked by asking what truck he was in and it turned out to be his two-toned flat bed. Definitely not the one I saw. Weird coincidence though!!

And we went on to have a lovely conversation. For the next several hours. Right up until midnight when he made a remark about it being Sunday and I said I should have gone to bed hours ago because I had to work that day.

It was mostly just a bunch of random talk. We talk about alcohol a lot, mostly because of our shared love of beer. He also refused to tell me about some wild weekend he had citing the need to tell those kinds of stories in person. I don’t know. It sounds like a bunch of excuses to me. Him not wanting to share things or whatever. But everyone has their exposure limit. I’m not about to force him to tell me stuff that he’s not willing to share. It’s probably best I don’t know anyway.

Still a good conversation though. I’m surprised it went on for so long. A lot of talk about food, since I mentioned I was in town for dinner, and then I joked about taking a road trip for a good burger, which he mostly ignored. I don’t think he knows how to take my jokes sometimes. hah. And then we got into the drinking talk and that whole “wild weekend” and that was pretty much it. Nothing too significant. He stopped responding after I’d said that I should have been in bed hours ago.

It felt nice in the sense that I was just saying whatever I felt like saying. I wasn’t trying to censor. I wasn’t over-thinking anything. I was simply having the kind of conversation we would have had if we were sitting together in person. It’s easy to form a habit of over-thinking when you’re only talking to someone via text, so it was sorta great to not worry about that for once.

I’m not really worried about what he’s going to think of me anymore. Like I’m just going to be myself and say whatever and kinda hope for the best after that. It’s silly to fake it. And we’re not really going anywhere with this anyway. Too many factors involved in that and I’m feeling more at peace with it these days. I need to get it in my head that it’s not going to turn out the way I maybe imagined. Life doesn’t work that way.

So maybe we’ll end up as friends, and maybe we won’t. For all I know that could have been the last time I spoke to him. I’m just living my life day to day and we’ll see what happens. I keep trying, but there really is no use in forcing it to go my way. These days I’m finding it easier to sit back and ride the wave, instead of trying to grab it and drive it back out to sea.

rose.
10:43pm