wreckless in --

I’ve been troubled with a deep sense of boredom. One that cannot be easily shaken. I have felt this way for a long time. I suppose the kind of life that I’ve chosen to live doesn’t really have much room in it for exciting and wreckless behavior. But I’ve always been a rule follower. Rules are not meant to be broken, they are meant to be followed. I’ve always been the kid in class who did her homework, but lied that I hadn’t when the popular kids wanted to copy my homework, mostly because I didn’t want to help people who bullied me, but also because I did not believe in cheating.

Belief is a funny thing. I will tell you a big secret. I cheated on a test in fifth grade. It was a test over the respiratory system. There were three purposes of nasal hair inside of noses. Well, I absolutely could not remember the third function that day, despite having studied and being intelligent. So… I carefully glanced over at my classmate’s paper. He had written them down, and I instantly remembered and felt completely awful (with a rush of adrenaline, mind you) that I had just cheated. Thanks for unknowingly helping me, Brandon.

I still feel bad about it. Fifteen years later.

I was always the good girl. But there are limits to us. We have wants, desires. We don’t always WANT to be good, but that is just who we are.

I’m still that “good girl.” I’ve never done drugs. I only drink on occasion and never to get totally wasted. I’m an okay mom. I’m pretty good partner. I’m a good student. I pay my bills on time. I am careful in many ways.

But sometimes I don’t want to be.

Sometimes I want to be frivolous. Sometimes I want to be passionate. Sometimes I want to do something that I’m not supposed to. The night calls me. It haunts me. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I long to leave and just wander in the night. I want to get a bunch of tattoos, despite not being able to afford it. It feels good to me, to get a tattoo. It feels like I’m not supposed to enjoy it, but I do anyway. I crave sweets. It’s a small guilty pleasure in a world full of measured carefulness.

Alas, I’ll just keep dreaming. I’ve gotten very good at it over the years.

Last updated April 04, 2015