Then there's that moment of helplessness in The eye of every storm

My fiance, the person I love more than life itself, my raison-d’etre has fibromyalgia, part of which is rheumatoid arthritis. This morning, after getting home from work at 6:30am, I found her lying awake in bed, stiff, rigid, like a flattened piece of lumber laid out to dry from the mill. Tears glistened the corners of her eyes. They were red, most likely from the pools of dried moisture her feeble hands could not reach up to clear.

She’s out of Tramadol. This isn’t some lame-ass feeble attempt at explaining a drug-addiction. She needs Tramadol to merely function on a day to day basis. It’s not even alleviating pain or symptoms, but its just low enough to help her get through each day. Those two pills a day, covered under my insurance are truly priceless to her.

She’s out. Her doctor had a stomach bug last week during her appointment and she hasn’t been able to get in to see him as of yet. She ran out several days ago. While I’ve been working midnight’s, she’s been dying to sleep but dealing with not only the pain that has slightly been masquerading behind the drug, but the withdrawal symptoms of the drug itself; the headaches, nausea, fevers, shaking.... etc.

I know what withdrawals are like and I never even needed anything. I was just a shitty excuse for a human being drug addict, and it was one of the worst feelings I’ve ever had. I can’t imagine the stacked deck of withdrawing and needing it to simply cope with a day-to-day existence.

I’m rambling. I’m emotional right now and my heart feels like its literally splitting in two pieces. I’m sorry.

She told me this morning that she’s been hurting so bad, that the pain inside of her bones is too much for her burden. She told me, tears of genuine sorrow, hurt, and helplessness streaming down her face, that she had thought of taking her own life. She said she’s in so much pain, and she knows that me, Watson, and Tater Tot would be just fine.

But I wouldn’t be. Oh Jesus I wouldn’t be.

I don’t know what to do.