That Is Exactly It in meh...

When I said “Maybe I’m afraid to die” I am. I’ve realized today that I have been in a state of anxiety over death. Death is a surprise that no one wants. I laugh and talk shit about living forever, but what am I doing to make that happen? Not that it can happen, but I’m just saying. I feel kind of cheated out of my life. It was all for a worthy cause, but I really feel cheated.

My 20’s and 30’s were spent devoted to the care of my mother and children. By my mid 30’s when my mom when to the nursing home I was just a mother who had one bad seed that I had to keep constant tab on. That was a drain and all those damn tabs didn’t keep her from making me a grandmother too soon. But this ain’t about her.

I just realized that I’m aging whether I want to or not. Then my friend/co-worker died in that ugly accident last week Monday. She was 39. We went to her service on this past Tuesday. Found out today that a person that was shot in front of his home was a schoolmate of mine. He was 41. Not to mention our youth shooting each other up and other random accidents that some people walk away from and others don’t. I think about those at my mom’s nursing home that I’ve met and that have gone on. The many times I thought I was losing my mother. It’s not right to feel like this.

I’m afraid to be content and to get comfortable, but that’s a goal I’ve set for me. I’m afraid for my son because he is at the age where someone somewhere will perceive him as a threat because he’s a young black male and my son is a bright, lively, handsome kid with his whole life ahead of him.

As I stand on bus stops to go wherever I need to go, I never look at my phone unless I’m checking the time. I want to have a quick reaction if I need to jump out of the way in case a car and its driver go rogue. When grandson and I take walks, I make him walk on the inside of the sidewalk with me closer to the street in case I need to push him out of the way if a car goes rogue. When I’m on the bus, I think about what I’m going to grab onto or slide under should the bus get into and accident and it turns over. Like I have a game plan to cheat death. My own personal Final Destination.
What is this????

And now I’m 40, going to school for an actual career. Which means mid-life job change. I’m graying in the front of my hair. I know they can’t discriminate because of my age but if they do I won’t blame them. Shit I’m getting OLD!!
::laughs/smh::

On top of it all, I think I’m crazy. However, to quote my favorite quote from a movie I’ve never seen before, “Crazy people don’t say they’re crazy. They just are.” But still, this is the mind of an over thinker. I forget about aging until I see someone that was a little kid the last time I saw them and they are just as grown as me. My own kids included. Hell with my little immediate family, the only person I’m taller than is the 4yo grand baby and one day he is going to tower over me.

I don’t know how to express myself on this to other people. Some folks may try to Jesus me up, which isn’t a bad thing, but I have lots of questions about faith too. I just don’t want to be caught with my proverbial pants down. I want to see my kids do well. I want to see my grandson graduate college, I want to see my great great grandchildren.

In essence, I want to live forever. I know I can’t, but I don’t want to worry about it and be anxious anymore.

Send good vibes…
Kindest regards from the “nut house”
Sister