Cukoo's Nest in Meeting Mr. Jesus Christ

Around and round the mulberry bush the monkey chased the weasel, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, and Mary (or whatever her name really is) was quite contrary, and nobody could put poor Humpty together again. They all began to pray, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, Bless the bed that I lie on. Four corners to my bed, Four angels round my head; One to watch and one to pray, And two to bear my soul away. Where on earth has that tax return check gone?, remember to check the price of a Mossberg gun, I wonder what it like to pray with a friend intentionally, nearly four days without a shower, little caterpillar I hope you find a winter home, why am I crying again? Lord, please Lord take this illness from me. I'm sure you would if I prayed more seriously, even though I know this might never go away. I have faith in You, except... I know I'll never be better.

All those thoughts simultaneously, within five seconds time.

And so it goes inside my mind, night and day for nearly two months now. Sanity comes and goes, where it'll stop nobody knows, but the doctor makes an educated guess. He thinks I'm manic, I say depressed, truth is I'm rapid cycling. The medication changes are further twisting my brain cells as this week's adjustment swirls inside me. All of this adds up to me not being a very easy girl to live within of late, which is why I've isolated for the past month, it's my safety net. Damage control if you will, but always there is some collateral damage. This time around it has been financial and at the expense of a few caring friends who haven't a clue anything is wrong, they just find me aggravating in a way I only am when... here's the words I've denied, I'm sick again. I withhold the truth, saying I'm fine, in fact it's I'm ashamed to admit this truth.

So I tell someone, though not someone so involved with me I can't fumble my way through a short visit without causing a problem with. We talked a bit about some struggles I'm having and he gave me strong words to hold, “To live by feelings means you decide what is best for your life on the shifting sand of your HUMAN understanding. To live by the Spirit means that you go to the Word of God and build a course of action on a firm foundation. Anything we desire which conflicts with scripture is a desire of the sinful nature, and all such FEELINGS are unreliable. SAND u dere.” Surely I've heard before but these words were as foreign to me as Greek. I kinda let him know I've been a fool of late, not meaning to be. Because in a way he understands I'm not right, he reminds me repentance is easy when I'm on a mountain, now I'm in this valley my is really put to the test. I need desperately to hear this, tender reminders that I'm not horrid and God and my Brother love me.

I talk online with a friend and, confused that only a week before I clearly felt released from some emotional chains I had carried, a mouthful of garbage came out. Why on earth did I just say all that to him? He got the fallout of a random, unrelated argument my brain was throwing at me. Collateral damage.Twice in a week this poor soul has been on the receiving end of crazy. I bail on the conversation and fold the laundry, at least part of it. I put the damp items back to dry longer, but turned it off, being irritable and agitated I didn't feel like listening to it run as I crawled into bed. Crying again, angry this time because I'm going out of my mind. It's a runaway train I can't stop it. I just stand on the sidetrack, watching as I'm taken over. . I slept off and on for two hours, gave up trying and started reading Genesis.

Several hours of study and the phone rang with a dear friend in distress. I pray to have a kind and open heart and for the right words. The Holy Spirit took over, ninety minutes later I'm in awe and my friend has found a way to go to Christ for lay a burden carried for 25 years at the cross. I finished my study journal and began a two and half hour phone call dissecting four hours of reading and study. Working at a high pace my mind is concise and retentive. Thank you sweet Jesus, you have heard my cries and prayers, you have restored me.

I wonder why is it the damage always falls on the ones who are most important to me? It's a unreasonable and unfair question, one I can't linger on. There are no answers why my mind goes where it does. Making use of feeling better I got my office cleaned up, dusted and vacuumed, an unparalleled accomplishment in weeks past. I gathered up all the trash to put to the curb, put on my warmest coat and went outside. I was on my way back to the house when Mr. Caterpillar and I crossed paths. He was struggling to crawl across the ground and I certain he was freezing while in search of a safe home for the winter. I bent down and talked to him and he actually looked up at me with a bunch of eyes. Thinking he understood me was nuts, I thought, still I offered to help find a warm place and he accepted by slowly creeping onto my hand. As I was tucking him into a shelf that had protection I began to cry, wondering if next spring he'd be a monarch and would I see him. Sappy, weepy, this is barely a reason, but more than any other I've had in weeks. And just that fast my mind is spinning and I, short of a shower, accomplish little the rest of the day.

Dear God in heaven, release me from all doubts I hold of you. Let my faith grow as I continue to persevere in knowing you and trusting you in all things. I come to you now, in my weakness, burdened, weary, in need of rest. Take my hand Lord, lift me up. It is only by your grace I will change and find my path straightened. I need your merciful grace more than ever right now, you know all my needs and know my heart. Please draw me nearer Lord! Amen