The Sin of Despair in Boredoms

My show opens on the 11th of April, that’s very close now. I’m not really nervous…the show is in a bit of a shambles still and a recent change to the layout of the set is forcing us to re-block everything but I’m sure it’ll get there. I worry about myself. I feel like a weak link.

Back before this even started I had a thought that I should kill myself after the show ends. My rationale for this was that either the play goes well and feel happier than I’ve felt in almost a decade (so go out on a high note) or it doesn’t and I feel worse than I’ve ever felt. In the midst of rehearsals I feel good and I forgot for a few hours about how I feel but then I go home and it feels empty. If I believed at all in signs from the the universe or whatever I’d swear it’s telling me to do it.

First off, my living situation is going to run out soon. While it’s never been an ideal one (it has its moments, though) I have no good prospects for another one anymore. Secondly, I just learned from a conference call for on Monday that they’re going to be doing some “restructuring”. That’s business speak for layoffs. And they’ve taken issue in the past with how much they pay me in mileage/travel time reimbursement so I’m certain I will be laid off.

So, no job…no place to live. I should just take this one last moment of purpose that I have, enjoy it, and then be done.