15-03.22.67 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Were greater minds present to categorize the actions of humanity, perhaps categorization would be welcome. But as with all things, we have seen far too many generations pander to the lowest common denominator and so instead of healthy categories that remain flexible and helpful; we have devolved into the most base form of labeling and stereotyping in an effort to fabricate a sense of simplicity that simply does not exist.

^ Just a random thought that came to me as I started writing.

Just a quick update as to how things have altered recently. So… after the fight where my wife told me everything I do is irritating to her and every attempt at affection or “I love you” is effeminate to her… I knew I was not going to share a bed with her that evening. After she fell asleep, I went into the living room and crashed on the futon. When I woke up, it was early afternoon and the wife had already gone to work. I did some usual chore stuff… shave, shower, brush… clean the kitchen… usual stuff. But when the wife came home? What can I say other than… clearly her mood is almost 100% determined by her work place! She was up, she was happy, she was chipper… she apologized for the previous night and said I was a saint for putting up with her stuff. ::shrug:: Confusing. She asked why I slept on the futon and I told her that it was because she was “unnecessarily mean” the other night, to which she responded that she “didn’t do it on purpose.” ::Shrug:: Strange how the least drama-filled relationship I’ve ever been in still manages to have its large bouts of drama.

As for today? I’m in a weird place. I’ve had more work associates ask me about the bar and about looking for work and about all of that stuff. Which just makes my heartbeat race. Seriously. I have NO idea if I passed the bar. If I did- hooray. But looking for work is super not easy right now especially in that profession and especially as I would be looking for a job in Iowa while living in NE- which just adds another unneeded hurdle. If I didn’t- atomic bomb. All the studying, all the hard work, all the stress, all the financial expense all gets to happen again… and this time instead of going up against 100 students in February; I’d be going up against 250 students in July. I HATE THE PROCESS FOR BECOMING A LAWYER!

So, I have that stress on me right now and I’m looking around the house trying to figure out what chores I can do. Because chores would take my mind off the stress and it might improve my wife’s mood when she comes home if she had been having a bad day (and if she took the time to notice things I did during the day). But all I can think is (1) laundry… machines are busy and we don’t have a lot; (2) clean my sink… which would help me, but as our bathroom area is built oddly, my sink is never within view or control of my wife; (3) clean the toilet… which of course I’ll do but that is a 20 minute job at most.

Work out? My body has been in a lot of pain recently and I’m still not sure about that.
Catch up on PB? I’ll keep trying, of course, but anxiety and panic sneak up on me rather frequently these days.
Read some books? Yeah, if reading about people I already care about is too taxing, starting a book likely won’t be much better.
Video Games? Perhaps, but I’ve been leaning on them so much lately that I may have to begin treating it the way I do alcohol. As something that is nice periodically, but lately something I’ve been leaning on too much,
Porn? Perhaps, but same as above. I’ve been leaning on it to deal with the horrendous lack of intimacy and affection in my relationship and as a way to combat the physiological symptoms of anxiety… but leaning on it too much can certainly create problems and I would like to minimize the problems in my life, not add to them.

I suppose I’ll yank some meaningless surveys for the time being to pass the hour.

(1) Location?
Omaha, NE

(2) Are you outgoing or shy?
I just discovered the coolest word that, if I read the meaning correctly, fits me: ambivert. For a downright impressively accurate Buzzfeed explanation of the term, click HERE

(3) Who are you looking forward to seeing?
I’ve got a bloody list! I’m likely to see my family soon, and that would be wonderful. I’d love to see my friends again but we’re all scattered these days.

(4) Are you easy to get along with?
That depends entirely on the situation. I love peace and I love conversation and I love having friends… but I love thinking and deep conversations and playing devil’s advocate to spurn on discussion. So… it depends on the conversation and the person.

(5) Single or taken?
Taken… but for some reason, Married seems far beyond Taken. Taken strikes me as a phrase best applied to the concept of “held onto” whereas Married suggests more the “No matter where or what; I am unavailable.”

(6) What kind of people are you attracted to?
My God, if I could only create a simple answer to this. Yes, yes; there are the stereotypical responses I’ve been giving for ages but that is such a surface response and doesn’t begin to form a complete answer. In fact, were I able, I would genuinely love to create/take some form of psycho-sexual examination to determine precisely what I find alluring.

(7) Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
My wife is constantly on my mind and in my heart. One of the many reasons why divorce is such a repulsive thought to me, only to be entertained if our marriage is 100% not salvageable. Though, that being said, I do often of a few other individuals… either as friendly “wish them well” or as something more sexual.

(8) Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
Not at all… usually. Everything depends upon context.

(9) Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
I’d imagine it was with my wife or with one of my PB Friends. But, meaning no offense to anyone, I dearly miss the days of Law School or Undergrad when deep conversations would spring up naturally and frequently in the course of simply hanging out with people.

(10) What does the most recent text that you sent say?
To a work colleague asking me about when I would be quitting: “Ah, makes sense. I was getting worried I was about to be booted for age, lol”

(11)Do you like it when people play with your hair?
As with all things in my life, context is key. If it is a patronizing thing I definitely do not like it. But if it is a caring thing, I’m all for it.

(12) Do you believe in luck and miracles?
The evidence of the universe is far too overwhelming to ignore that at least one of those two concepts exists.

(13) Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes. In fact, I dearly hope I will get to kiss her many times over the course of my lifetime… and hopefully, with increasing ardor

(14) Do you like your neighbors?
As my across the hall neighbor has vacated, it feels like I don’t have any. Oh, I’ve got neighbors above me but… it doesn’t feel like quite the same thing.

(15) Do you have trust issues?
This seems like a tad bit of a loaded question. Trust is a form of currency. I ask you to do something, you promise you will… your promise was paid by trust… if you fail in your promise, you have lost my trust.

(16) Favorite part of your daily routine?
Any moment where my brain, heart, and soul feel less heavy. I’m sure if this question were asked of me again at a later time, the answer would be something more specific but… this is the best I’ve got right now.

(17) Will you have sexual intercourse within the next week or two?
My perpetual answer is… “maybe, I hope so, probably not.” It has been over a month now… granted, that is significantly better than when I had to say “it’s been over 2 1/2 years now” but numerically speaking, I’m averaging sex once every 8 months.

(18) The last time you saw your best friend, what did you do?
That would have been, heavens that was a long time ago, back in Oktoberfest! We drank beer, watched Anime, commiserated about how he was the only one of us to pass the Bar Exam.

(19) If you had to decide, would you rather a pet squid or badger?
A badger. Seems obvious.

(20) Do you think your last ex still wants to be with you?
Made me laugh. Uhm, no. Every woman I’ve ever been with left me (not the other way around) except for the ONE woman that tried to rape/kill me. I highly doubt ANY of them regret their decision to leave.

(21) What is a “curse” word you say a lot?
Balls. I like saying it dejectedly when something doesn’t go right in a video game… or.... furiously when something doesn’t go right in a video game. Either way.

(22) Is there anything you should be worried about?
Hahahahahahahahahahaha… no (sarcasm).

(23) Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you?
Not really. I’ve always imagined dating to be a romantic friendship. Genuinely speaking, it could easily be said that I have gone on dates with people the same gender but as there were no romantic feelings or sexual attraction (that I knew of) it was “hanging out” not a “date.”

(24) You’re up after 3 AM, what’s the reason?
I can’t sleep. Happens a lot for lots of reasons. See also: fibromyalgia; stress; diet

(25) Who was the last person to text you “hello”?
Nobody texts me hellos. Largely because I’m rather a no-nonsense guy when it comes to phones. If people want to say “hey” or “how are you”, it is through e-mail or FB… which I suppose happens periodically, but infrequently.

(26) What were you doing 2 hours ago?
Playing Destiny. The game isn’t even loads of fun anymore as I’ve been playing it for so many months but… it is something to do.

(27) What will/did you do today?
Rest of the day will likely be spent playing video games, cleaning, maybe some laundry, maybe some Netflix.

(28) Name something random in the same room as you:
Yukon Jack blanket

(29) Is smoking a turn off?
I’ve never dated a smoker, so I’m assuming on some level it probably is. But I’ve never consciously said “That is a smoker, I’m not dating them.” In truth, sometimes I’ve seen an attractive woman smoking and thought “I wonder if it is true that girls who smoke are more orally fixated?”

(30) What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual people?
They are people; which means they have good qualities and bad qualities.

(31) Has a boyfriend/girlfriend ever put alcohol/drugs before you?
Yeah, but that is to be expected with my “lawful” focus. I’m totally the “Agree with it or not; if it is the law, we have to follow it” so… yeah… there were LOTS of girls that put alcohol before me when I was dating women under 21.

(32) Every girl needs a little black dress. Do you agree?
Shit yeah! One of the many surface-level arguments my wife and I have. I think it is important to have a versatile “little black dress” that can be worn for anything from casual to formal; while also having a few colorful dresses that specify Casual, Semi-Cas, Business, Church, Formal. My wife? Rolls her eyes and doesn’t see the point to buy anything she can’t wear to work.

(33) What kind of mood are you in?
Just kind of blah. I’m so sick of this constant bloody holding pattern everywhere in my life. 2011- married, started law school. 2012- law school, 2013- law school, 2014- Bar Exam, 2015-....... if bar exam and/or marriage issues and/or lack of full time employment and/or no wedding photographs continue for the entirety of 2015… I will go absolutely stark raving mad!

(34) If you could have anything in the world, what would it be and why?
The power to “heal” (heal, fix, repair) anything.

(35) Do you have the time by any chance?
I never wear a watch, actually. It would just be one more thing to take off when I pass through the Prison Security Gates.

(36) Are you someone who enjoys seeking attention from others?
Oh I used to be, and I’m certain my wife still believes that I am. I do like attention, but as I’ve aged I’ve learned that who is giving attention is far more important than how much attention you can get.

(37) Are you in love?
I certainly believe so, but I also believe that the concept of “being in love” is not at all objective or quantifiable; so while I believe I am in love, it may well be the case that many years down the line I will look back on these years and realize I was not.

(38) Why aren’t you dating the last person who you texted?
Because the last person I texted is married, as am I.

(39) How open are you with people, out of 10?
One presumes that 10 is completely open, see my darkest demons? I’d say I max people out around a 9. Start many around a 3; others around a 7.

(40) Do you think you can last in a relationship for over 6 months?
I used to worry fretfully that I’d never be in a relationship over 3 months. But then… my girlfriend/tormentor and I dated for 8 months; my long-distance relationship with Thompson lasted just about 6 months; and I have been with my wife for 10 years (as of July 3rd of this year).

(41) Have you ever lost someone you wish you didn’t?
I’ll assume this question does not relate to death; as the answer otherwise would be too obvious. So I shall assume the question is in relation to people who have decided to cut their relationship with me short. To which, yes. There are a number of people. Hell, I have a horrid time keeping friends and with two or three exceptions, I haven’t stayed in contact with anyone from before I graduated from College in 2007.

(42) Do you enjoy reading?
I do, I do love to read. However, law school and bar preparation have forced me to take a “break” from that love out of sheer exhaustion from reading. I do hope that (1) I passed the bar exam so that I may begin to re-engage my love of reading and (2) if I passed the bar exam, I will have ample opportunity to read to my heart’s content this summer.

(43) What are your parents doing right now?
My mom is about to retire from teaching music. My father is, to his chagrin, continuing his career in sales.

(44) How many cigarettes have you smoked today?
I have not smoked a cigarette or a cigar or anything else since my brother received his Master’s Degree many years ago.

(45) 4 months ago, who did you have a crush on?
Four months ago would have been November so… likely Aoife and Molly?

(46) Say something to someone without stating names: “Would that I could experience life with such freedom and abandon. I am certain I would not have survived, but oh- the stories I could tell!”

(47) What is your dream car?
I have three… sort of. I would love a late-60s model Barracuda convertible like Angel drove in the television series Angel. I would also love any sleek-as-hell Audi or Aston Martin as my “successful lawyer” car. And… I would love a nice, awesome looking Black Car that one could easily conceive of being a Batmobile.

(48) Do you honestly have feelings for someone at the moment?
Of course, but my inner dickhead jumps up to point out that “having feelings” for someone need not require those feelings to be romantic.

(49) How is the weather?
Nicer than it has been. The sun is out, the temperature is 72. Were I the sort to do this, it would be good sunning weather.

(50) What are you looking forward to within the next few months?
There are no guarantees… but God, Jesus, Buddha, Vishnu, Allah, Jehova, Zeus, Odin.... please… passing the bar, getting a marriage counselor, procuring my wedding photos, getting a job.

(51) When was the last time you smoked pot?
I have never smoked pot. The only time I was ever offered was by a disreputable gentleman I did not like nor trust; who offered it to me a mere ten minutes before I was supposed to go on stage for a play.

(52) What’s the closest item that is yellow?
The warning label on my laptop’s power brick

(53) Are you eating/drinking anything right now?
Gallon of OJ

(54) What jewelry are you wearing?
None

(55) How many hours has it been since you woke up?
I’m embarrassed to say but only 4 hours.

(56) What are you sitting on right now?
The carpet.

(57) Are you listening to anything?
Apartment building is surprisingly silent at the moment.

(58) Has anyone ever sprayed you fully clothed with a hose?
Not to my recollection

(59) Do you own an umbrella?
Several but only two of them are very reliable

(60) What do you have in your pockets right now?
Not a single thing

(61) Do you stand up for your beliefs, even when they aren’t popular?
Sometimes, but I’m not given the opportunity much anymore.

(62) How many keys are on your key chain?
5

(63) What do they go to?
Apartment Building, Mailbox, Apartment Proper, My car, Wife’s car

(63) Are you wearing a shirt that has a sports team logo on it?
Not wearing a shirt at the moment

(64) What color is the floor of the room you’re in?
I’d estimate it at sort of a cream brown

(65) How old were you in 1995?
First five months, I would have been 10

(66) How old will you be in 2027?
Last 7 months, I’ll be 43

(67) What brand of shampoo do you use?
Uhmm.... gosh. I use the same stuff all the time, but I don’t know what it is called.

(68) Do you like when people call you things like “baby”, “sweetie”,”hun”, etc?
Completely depends on the situation.

(69) Who was the last person to give you money?
I am super grateful and a little ashamed, but my Godfather and Father passed me their trust residuals again this year

(70) Have you ever dreamt of someone you barely know?
Yes, and I still remember it quite vividly even though it happened in the mid-90s.

(71) When was the last time you went to the ocean?
Gracious… I don’t even know for sure. I’m guessing it would have been the family trip to Bermuda back in 2005.

(72) Have you ever been to Miami?
Briefly, to board a ship

(73) Dallas?
Surprisingly, not once… not even as a connecting flight.

(74) Phoenix?
Yes, many times when I was quite young. We have family out there but we rarely see them.

(75) Minneapolis?
Not as much after I went to college; but we used to go there all the time when I was younger

(76) What were you doing the last time 7pm rolled around?
It would have been last night and I believe I was showering

(77) Do you know how to give CPR?
I was certified in High School; but they changed the technique and I’m certain my certification is out of date.

(78) Do you have a blood donor’s card?
No, I really should donate blood, though. I mean, as many times as I’ve been in the Hospital, I’m sure it is about time I start giving back.

(79) Have you ever taken a pregnancy test?
Not I personally, but since being together my wife has taken two.

(80) Has anyone seen you naked in the last week?
Yes, I often sleep naked so my wife is exposed to that frequently.

(81) Are you Jewish?
No

(82) How many times does “n” occur in your full name?
Twice

(83) What are you initials?
CIK

(84) Does your ex still think about you?
I honestly hope so, but there is never a way to say yes or no confidently.

(85) What is something that always makes you feel pretty?
It happens so rarely, but a well tailored suit and a long coat

(86) How many songs are on your mp3/ipod?
Over 1800 files; they are not all songs, though.

(87) Do you like coffee?
It rather makes me the black sheep of the family, but no.

(88) Have you ever flashed someone, accidentally or intentionally?
Oh, I’m certain I have even if I can’t come up with a specific instance in my memory

(89) Have you spent any money today?
Not a single red cent. At least not yet.

(90) What will you be doing in three hours?
In three hours it will be 9:30, so I assume I’ll be doing laundry and/or watching the television.

(91) Do you have any big plans for the upcoming weekend?
As it is Sunday, I will take this to mean NEXT weekend. I have another Raid scheduled with friends for Destiny on Saturday… hopefully, I can get a couple’s therapy session for Friday and… honestly? I really hope that (just for my own sake) I can start working on some Bar Prep stuff… just in case.