Up and down that lonely road of faith in My Unpredictable Life ...

I feel as though I am slowly losing my faith in people. My grasp on the thin string of faith in humanity is slowly dying because the thread is unraveling. I hate this feeling.

I feel like I am missing a piece of the puzzle somewhere. I've wrote a time or two about things going on at work and even though I have finally reached clarity on how best to handle it (read:them), I still feel like I don't have all the facts. It's nagging at me. I have all of "MY" information. Do I not have all of "THEIR" information? Do they know something I don't? They have to. It's the only logical thing that does make sense.

I've replayed all the scenario's countless times in my head, complete with, "You should have said that!" But what am I missing?

I recently went into depth of the source of the "issue" here and one would think that would be the end of the discussion, on their part and on my part here in PB Land. But for some reason, it's not. I wouldn't need to write about it if they weren't giving me "stuff" to write about. But since I wrote that particular entry, things have only escalated to a level that never should have been reached. Obviously it never should have reached the level it did to prompt my last entry about it. But that is what happens when you try to deceive me ... I call you out on it and I defend myself. But she won't let it go. She won't let it go so that I can let it go. Why?

What is her master plan? To get me to quit? That would only ruin her attempts to get all the holidays off, or at least my written agreement to work Christmas night. She would HAVE to work it if I am no longer there because the owner & his family aren't going to work it for her (even if Joleen says she will. Ultimately, Bill will not allow his mother to work it.) Same scenario if I were to get fired. She'd still have to work it. So then, why all this grief she is giving everyone?

Does she want my position on the seniority ladder? They only way for her to get that is for me to be gone. But again, she would only be cutting off her nose to spite her face. She got my 4th day that I gave up to her when she was hired. I originally had 4 days, she was hired for 3 days. It worked better for me to cut back one day so I gave it to her. She gets every weekend off. Every.single.weekend.off. So what am I missing here?

She keeps telling Bill she will be more than happy to work 1st shift. I've told Bill that 1st shift works better for my daughter being in school. Last month when they fired Rachel, Bill had us write down on a blank calendar what shifts we were currently working and what shifts we were available to work. I wrote my usual 11pm-7am Fri-Sun and then added in that I could work 7am-3pm during the week. When I had called her to see if she would work the 9th for me, first thing out of her mouth as soon as I said hello to her, "Are you going to be working 7am-3pm?" No hello back or anything. I explained no and why I had wrote that on there. So when I went in to work that Friday, lo and behold, she had wrote 7am-3pm down also, right under her writing in 11pm-7am (in different colored ink, of course lol). Seriously? It's not a pissing contest, Shelia.

So Shelia & I had a conversation this past Saturday night when I went in (she worked 3-11 because Ruth needed the night off, only after management made plans for Jimena to work 7am-3pm so they could have the day off. Well management needed the evening/night off due to the owner throwing a big party at his house for his family so they called Shelia to come in & work since Jimena was already working 7-3 that day & Ruth couldn't work that evening). In our conversation during shift change over she mentions that she "keeps telling Bill she wants to work 1st shift." So I replied with, "Yeah, so do I but after he said that management only works 1st shift, I let it go. He knows I am available if he needs me. I don't need to keep beating a dead horse about it. Besides, no offense, but if 1st shift does become available, I get first dibs because I have been here longer than you or Jimena." (read:longer than you, BITCH!) So then she chimes in with, "Oh I would love to be management! If he offered me manager, I would accept that in a heartbeat. I mean, I know I don't have any experience, but he could teach me!" I was a good little Sassy and kept my snorts/snickers/guffaws to myself. Apparently she has delusional visions of grandeur. But whatever, if that's what she wants, so be it. I myself will never accept management from Bill, not unless he was willing to change some of his management requirements/demands. I actually prefer being nothing more than a little peon.

After that little conversation I'm thinking, "Good, now she'll leave since we've discussed change over and her mother is waiting for her in the parking lot." (Her husband won't allow her to drive their only car to work.) Nope. I wasn't that lucky. I then had to suffer through her telling me just how unfair it was that she had to work the holidays. "Okay, take it up with Bill, not me. I have no control over what days the holidays fall on. I'm not the one in charge of the schedule. I am just a little peon worker, just like you Shelia, so bringing your grief to me won't change a thing." "Yeah, but I just don't understand why you won't work some of them." Excuse me? I'm working Christmas night for you, Bitch. "Shelia, I've already explained my reasons to you, numerous times. I'm sorry if that is not good enough for you. I'm not changing my mind. We had already made our plans to leave town for Thanksgiving before I ever knew it would be an issue with you. I'm not cancelling my reservations now. I'm not telling my family that the only 2 days that we have to spend quality family time together will have to be cancelled so that I can work for you so that you can spend the time with the same damn people you spend the time with every fuckin' weekend. It won't happen. As for Christmas, I agreed to Christmas night, only because that was the only way you would work my daughter's birthday for me. I didn't appreciate being blackmailed into that. Nope, wait, don't say a word, let me finish." I say as she tried to interrupt me. "I also did not think it was fair that you got stuck working both of those nights so I probably would have offered to work Christmas night for you, anyway, but unfortunately, you never gave me that chance and instead blackmailed me into it. But the fact remains I AM working it for you so this conversation is pointless." "It's just that my kids are used to waking up on Christmas morning and opening Santa's gifts and stuff. And I always cook with my Mom. And my family is harassing me about getting the time off." "Shelia, my child is used to the same thing. Everyone seems to keep forgetting that you aren't the only one with kids. Let me ask you this Shelia, how many Christmas Eve's or Christmas morning's have you had to hold a crying child in your arms, while she begs to a video camera on a computer screen, for her Daddy to please come home? I've done that too many times. It rips your heart out watching your child sob uncontrollably, holding her arms out to her Daddy because he is in a different country. I am not about to put my child through that by my working. You can't understand my reasons? That's not my fault. I owe you no explanations of why I can't work it. I would only owe them to Bill. I'm being kind by telling you my reasons. So you just need to take your grievances up with Bill and stop harassing me about them. I don't deserve you cornering me like this. At the end of the day, I have been here longer than you. Just like Ruth has been here longer than me. I get only what is left over after Ruth gets first pick. Ya know, I was raised in the generation that has strong work ethics. We were raised to understand that you worked what you were given because there will ALWAYS be someone on the outside more than willing to work what you don't want to work. There are plenty of people out there who would be happy to work holidays if that meant they had a job. You and I? We are replaceable. In a heartbeat. Bill could get frustrated with us because you won't let this go, and therefore causing me to have to defend myself, and say enough is enough and fire us both & hire 2 people who would be more than happy to work the holidays. In. A. Heartbeat. I personally can't afford to lose my job so this needs to stop. Now. And I can promise you Shelia, all the money in my bank account, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if the situation was reversed, there is no way in hell you would be willing to work a holiday for me. No.way.in.hell. And I can say that simply for the fact that you felt you had to blackmail me into working for you when you couldn't have the decency to work my daughter's birthday for me, no strings attached. So don't play victim to me. Take it to Bill because I am done with this conversation." That was about the time her Mom come walking in to find out what was taking her so long. So she clocks out. Really? You want to harass me on company time? You are a piece of work, Shelia.

If only it ends there ....

When Joleen comes in the next morning, it's the same as always. We catch up, we discuss shift change over. We talk of personal things. (I know way too much, more than I want to know, about her family lol) I had told her what Shelia had said about wanting management and she wasn't able to hold in her snort/snicker/guffaw. So then I went on to tell her how Shelia had cornered me and started harassing me about the holidays. It was like watching Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in action. All of a sudden she got this mean, nasty look on her face and said, "It's not fair she gets stuck working all the holidays!" Wait, what? What did I miss? Where is this hostility coming from, Woman? Hostility, directed at me? Anyway, we proceed to have an argument about it. Joleen and I. The two peas in a pod. Oh how I hated having to argue with her!!! I hate, hate, HATE that I had to defend myself to her! I was raised to never, ever raise your voice to your elders. You always treat them respect, even if they don't deserve it. So for me to do the opposite, it was hard. But I couldn't just stand there and let her believe the mis-truths. I HAD to defend myself. Maybe not to her, because Bill is the one who should be dealing with this, but because I thought her and I were friends and she deserved my side of the story. Guess I won't be making that mistake again.

I told Joleen that it wasn't fair that Shelia should get every holiday off to spend time with the same people she is already spending quality time with every fuckin' weekend - my exact words. I reminded her, yet again, and why I have to keep repeating myself is beyond me, "that Hubby, The Child and I are all we have. We don't have family to spend the holidays with. We don't have parents to take The Child to so she can spend the holidays with her grandparents. She doesn't have cousins, or aunts and uncles that she can make memories with. If we don't spend the time together, as a family, just the 3 of us, then who do we spend it with? Why is it fair that The Child has to endure yet another holiday with a missing parent when she had to live that life the first 10 years of her life? Why is it so unfair, on my part, to want to spend time with my family when they are only off on weekends, and I work every weekend so when they are off on a week day, when I am off also, that I would want to cherish that rare opportunity, and not want to give it up? Why am I being treated like the bad guy here? What did I do to deserve this? I've always been a team player. Every time Ruth or Nikki needed me to switch with them, I did. Every time we lost an employee, I was the first to step up to bat to cover their shift until a replacement could be found. I've came in every time I was called in to work for what ever reason. I even allowed Shelia to blackmail me into giving up my Christmas night because that was the only way she would work my daughter's birthday for me. Why did I have to suffer through that? Why wasn't I given the same courtesy of having someone gladly switch with me, the same way I was for them? I have no control, whatsoever, which days of the week the holidays fall on. It is not my fault that my scheduled days off fall on holidays. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Shelia would refuse to work for me if I was the one working a holiday. So don't blame me for wanting to be selfish with the only rare time I get to spend quality time with my family. Nobody cares that I work every weekend. Nobody cares that we only have weekends to be a family. Nobody cares about me except that I show up for my shift and get my job done. Hell, nobody will be kind enough to even offer to switch days with me so that I could have a weekend every once in a blue moon off. But you don't hear me bitching about not getting weekends off. I come in, I work my scheduled shifts, I do my job, I go home. Case closed. Now if you will excuse me, my daughter is waiting for me to take her to the emergency room. I should have taken her last night but I couldn't run the risk of not making it in to work on time and instead of calling to say I would be late, or that I couldn't come in, I put my job ahead of my child and promised her I would take her as soon as I got off." (Yes Hubby could have taken her but she didn't want him to. She wanted only me because she is used to me being the one to handle all of her illnesses since he was always gone/working the majority of her illnesses and she was fine with just taking Motrin since her fever was only low grade.) I clocked out, gathered up my stuff and walked out without another word said and my head held high.

I came home, vented to Hubby, who agreed that I needed to quit that day, and then took her to the ER since the only Urgent Care in town is closed on the weekends. Just as I suspected, it's strep throat. Came home, made her breakfast, killed time till Walmart pharmacy opened at 10, went and got her prescription filled, came home, fixed us lunch and crawled into bed at noon. Woke up at 2:30 and tossed and turned because I couldn't get the argument with Shelia and Joleen out of my head. Got up at 4:30, gave The Child more Motrin and her prescription, ate a handful of crackers and was back in bed by 5. Got back up at 9 to get ready for work.

During my argument with Joleen she had brought up all the holidays to included New Year's. Huh? New Year's? Ain't no one said a thing about New Year's. Probably because they hadn't thought that far in advance to even be concerned with it/wanting it off, like me. So I discussed with Hubby me offering to work it, which I knew he wouldn't care because we never celebrate it. This year will be the 20th one together and he has been awake for 2 of them, even if he was home and not deployed/working it.

So I wrote a note in the front desk notebook that I would be available to work either/or both nights if anyone was wanting them off. If they didn't want to give up the day of pay, I would be willing to switch my Friday and/or Saturday audit shift with them in exchange. When Joleen came in & saw the note she was, "Oh, you're willing to work New Year's?" Duh. "Yes Ma'am. Since no one has thought that far in advance, or bothered to ask me if I would be willing to work it, I figured I would put it out there that I am in case the college girls want the night off. Or in case Shelia needs to have that holiday off to spend with the same people she spends every weekend with, also." (Bitchy, I know, but I couldn't hold my tongue lol) So then Tami comes in - Tami a.k.a Joleens daughter, a.k.a. Bill's sister, a.k.a. the new GM - and I proceed to tell her about my note. "Oh, well I'm sure you'd much rather have the extra pay than for someone to switch shifts with you." "Well, the pay will be nice, sure. But having a Friday and/or Saturday night off to spend with my family, something I have not had since the beginning of August, is rewarding enough also. Either way, it is a win-win situation for me. Even if no one wants me to work for them/switch with them, I will get the holiday time with my family. So any way you look at it, I am gonna benefit from this. I just figured since no one has been bothered enough to ask me if I can work it, I would put it out there that I can. That is a holiday we have never celebrated so it's perfectly ok if I work it. I know Jimena and Shelia won't be keen on giving up the pay so just make sure if it is Jimena I work for, that she is properly trained on the audit shift because she has never worked one before." Hell, Tami doesn't even know how to do the audit & she's the new GM lol.

Obviously, the best thing for me to do at this point is to quit. $8.00 an hour is not worth it. I don't think any amount of hourly wages is worth being harassed and bullied and the dirty looks from fellow co-workers. But we can't afford for me to quit my job. We need the tiny ass paycheck I get. Something is better than nothing. I could easily get another audit shift somewhere else but I would be low man on the totem pole and would have to work the holidays. So it's better to bide my time for now. I can wait till closer to Christmas, get another job, inform them that I have to full-fill my commitment to working the holidays with my current job, yet quit my current job and be home on Christmas night, forcing Shelia to have to work a night she would have had off if she hadn't been such a bitch towards me. But that's not how I am, who I am, and I'm pretty sure the guilt of lying to the new job about the old job would get the better of me. Besides, I really do love my job I have now. I really don't want to quit. I should not have to be forced out of a job that I love truly love.

Not to mention, I don't want to tempt Karma. So maybe I will quit the week before, effective immediately, and job hunt afterwards.

Gah! Why am I even contemplating this? Why am I even in this position? Why? Why? Why?