dark corners of my mind... in The Xanax Diaries Part One

I had a few entries on here but decided I needed a fresh start once again. Im always wiping the slate clean. I think I have to do so for my sanity. I had to deal with a very crazy woman lately. I don’t know that I really want to elaborate more than the fact that we were on again off again lovers. Ive cut all communication off once again. But it’s sticky because she will have to be in my husbands life for 10 more years. unless she finally od’s as it is inevitable.

I’m going to be 30 on Sunday and none of my friends have bothered to have anything to do with me this week. I feel really alone lately. I really just need a friend right now but with me being an aries I won’t come out and say that i need someone. I keep putting on this face that says that im ok and i don’t need anyone. but… i do. i really just want to run crying to my mom right now but i can’t because she knows nothing of my current situation and she never needs to know because she will think less of me. if not quit talking to me altogether. so basically im alone, in my head, suffering silently.

my husband is wonderful and i love him more than anything in this entire world but he can’t help me with this one.

lately all i can think about when im alone at work at night is the two years that my husband was gone. when he had left. and the utter dispair. the complete heartbreak. i felt as if my soul had been ripped in half and stomped and then set on fire. if not worse than that. i dont know how i even lived through it. so when he came back to me and we’ve made it work and become stronger than ever i figured all my devastation would go away. but in the dark corners of my mind when no one is around the fear and pain come back and break my heart all over again. and ive allowed myself to get into a situation that could potentially hurt me or did purposely hurt me. I feel really stupid for allowing myself to be weak and get into something over my head. but the issue at hand right now is that i realized the error and danger and got out of it. all of this is about the crazy girl. just so you know. because it almost sounded like i was in a drug ring for a second. i assure you that i am not. i am just a girl that lets her emotions run her life and she needs to stop.

any music from 2006-2008 usually brings me back to the days of my husband being gone. i try not to drag him through the mud anymore from him leaving me when i was pregnant. and two months after our wedding. because we are in a very happy place. but my heart always goes back. that is the purpose of my diary. to talk about how i feel and get it out so that i don’t take it back to him and cause unnecessary fights that have already been had time and time again.

I need friends on here because my loneliness has really gotten to me lately.

Last updated March 19, 2015