15-03.15.64 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

At times… I wonder what life would be like if I had a normal marriage. If I was attractive enough for my wife… if her ADHD wasn’t such a central element to her life or her rage was more in check… if our marriage were more… appropriate?

Today, for example, is one such day. Where I cannot help but wonder… were I different, how would the day have been changed? If my wife were… healthier(?) how would the day have been changed?

Today was a nothing day. Really. Until my wife came home. Bit of a rough day at work, no surprises. She says that she is hungry. So I make dinner. She says that she wants a drink, so I make her a drink. She starts playing a video game on her tablet… completely shutting me and everything else out. Okay… whatever. I give her some time to cool down from work. Then I ask if there is enough time to put in a movie for us to watch. She says YES. She specifically said YES to put in a movie for us to watch. I go grab a flick and… boom. Soon as I come back, she’s already on her tablet watching YouTube videos until her eyes bleed. Y’know what? Fine. Fine. Screw it, I’m not going to put in a movie that she’s been asking to see, then, because she won’t put down her electronic devices long enough to even walk to the couch before I put the movie in. Fine. I’ll get a movie I’ve been wanting to see because it potentially will shed a lot of light onto what is going on in Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD.

My wife spends the next 40 minutes watching Parachord YouTube videos. The YouTube videos… on her tablet… that she’s watching in the Living Room… are so loud that I have to turn the movie up more than I want. Then she starts working on her Parachords thing. I mean… I want her to have a hobby… but this hobby has taken over her free time. Meaning… she doesn’t work at all on trying to find other work or what her aptitudes are… she just… focuses on these weaving products… worst of it is that they infuriate her to no end. She screams and grunts and freaks out every time a weave goes a little wrong. It is like… she refuses to acknowledge her husband, she refuses to work on her career stuff, and instead is obsessing over a hobby that does nothing but pisses her off.

Which is where the original question comes in.
If my wife were… healthier… I wonder what that would be like. Would we be curled up on the couch watching a movie together? Would I be watching a movie, and she would be working on a hobby that she genuinely enjoyed? Would she be reading a book or knitting or talking to her parents?
If I were… different… I wonder what that would be like. Would I be able to help her find a career that she prefers? Would I be able to appropriately encourage her to engage in our relationship? Would I find a way to be happy in this relationship? I don’t know............ sometimes I worry that both I and my wife are too messed up for each other while simultaneously being too messed up for anyone else.