Can I get a witness, can I get a clue in A new beginnging.

There have been so many nights where I have wanted to write, but I would sit down at the keyboard and everything faded away.
I don’t care if this makes sense or not, but I need to file it out of my brain.

I have finally understood “comfort”
I went out on a few dates with Derek and it clicked. That feeling of wanting the person sitting across from you to be someone else. Just so they get the jokes. Just so the conversation flows. Just so all of your subtle hints are getting received. Just so you are in the know.
I got home from date 2 and I asked my brother, “When you are out with a girl, isn’t there a small part of you that wishes you were sitting across from Hoff so that banter would just be there?” He looked at my like I was a stupid girl. But he got it. and I got it. TRUST ME this isn’t a “oh I am still in love with Josh.” Because I am not. I am in love with the idea of that comfort. we have all had it. We all want it and we all crave it. Right? Whatever. If you don’t then shut up :)
But I was craving this comfort which you ONLY get after time. duh.
But this is SO one of the huge reasons we stay with people longer than we should. Because let me tell you, starting over with someone is scary as hell. You start to wonder if you will ever that that “spark” again or if you will ever have that comfort again. Fuck. OF COURSE you will. Of course I will. It just takes motherfuckingtime.
I am making progress though. I am no longer just crazy dating, I am actually able to put the excitement aside and really know if I feel something. I am not just building up the excitement and then making it feel like there is a spark when that just isn’t the case. I am learning the things that I can stomach, things that I can look past and things that I can’t. Um, you hate The Office? deal breaker.. ;)
I’m learning.
that’s all I want to say right now. I just needed to let that pour out of my head.
Yes, dating sucks.. But, so does settling and being with someone who doesn’t deserve you.