what the hell am i doing here/we were born to run *evan news* in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

i like both songs.

So. evan and I talked last night. we talked last mon. night too. he’s. he’s depressed. I mean clinically. this is so different from his usual agitation and spiking out. he was. just. sad. this is only the 6th time in the time I’ve known him he’s been like this. he doesn’t have big cries often. neither do I. but he seemed. like he was going to last night. it just breaks my damn heart every time. creep by radiohead says it all. I get it. I’ve been there. i’m still there. for the 2nd time in the past 2 wks. I feel like i’m stuck in depression. this wk. i’ll get out more. going to my mom’s today i’ll be there tomorrow so i’ll be out. so that should help. i was talking to dr. dumke about my depression and she said sometimes the change is immediate and sometimes it’s not. and uhm. fri i’m going too as my cousin’s engagement get together is Sat. my sister’s going too so i’ll get to see her I haven’t seen her since new year’s. actually.

but yeah evan. it’s so hard to know someone you care about this much is hurting. as much as he is. he doesn’t talk about his past often but I know he went through stuff similar to what I went through. when I was little. which I don’t talk about. i’m going to, w/ dr. dumke. cause, well, i’d rather do that then bring up the rape. evan knows. I mean he doesn’t know the details but he knows. people weren’t nice to me then. when i was little. I don’t tell people. I mean my family knows. yeah but by not talking about it. it’s how I’ve survived for this long. when I used to cut that was partially why. I’ve never told anyone that. and then I stopped doing that. I’ve been frozen for so long as it were [actually this part was meant to go in another entry] and I’ve gotten pretty good at it. so why would I want to thaw when it hurts so much. I don’t like remembering. it hurts. that’s another reason I drank as much as I did. back when I drank. actually since I’ve not been I’ve been remembering my ex more. in these vivid memories. it’s been a little over 2 yrs. since we broke up. like the song says ‘the cold never bothered me anyway’. not this cold. metaphorically speaking. I realize, that if I stay frozen i’ll never get anywhere. just like I haven’t been until the last like month. just like I wasn’t. and i’m ok w/ that and i’m not.
the last time evan was like this I told him ‘it’s hard for me to see you like this’ and he replied ‘and that’s the worst part is you can’t even see me!’ as we weren’t in the same state. yeah I want to see him too. I miss him. er. I mean I miss his physicality. his hugs and when he’s holding me and how sweet he can be. and how physically careful he is w/ me. he treats me like glass. he knows my past and he’s careful about it.
I feel so. powerless to help him. there’s nothing much I can do except be there. well I guess that’s true for anyone really. but I don’t like feeling powerless i’m not good at it. I need to physically do something. like when people cry i want to get them tissues or uh water. [well not like i’m not helping in that way. it isn’t exactly a bad plan]. i’m not good at still which is funny cause that’s the only reason I like winter. and also cause it’s beautiful. but the cold stops you from being in the beauty. it does me anyway. I was thinking about that recently.
evan just seems. fragile right now. [I guess I should take a lesson from him and be more careful w/ him]. we don’t know when he’s coming back here [Denver]. we don’t know if it’ll be next month or not.

Last updated May 29, 2015