this is where i'm at in furious, fragile, and free

i don’t miss you anymore
i don’t even know what you’re up to
i blocked you from my facebook feed
(even though i regularly stalk your profile)
and i click through your pictures
and i can’t help but think.
you’re not the same person i loved
(maybe you are, maybe i saw you differently,
with lovebugs in my eyes)
my life is so all-consuming right now
in good ways, in bad ways
and i don’t miss you
but i miss: you pulling over on the freeway because
you were laughing so hard
i miss getting dressed up and going to the theater with
you on my arm
i miss staying in bed together all day
i miss having my person.
i miss the memories,
and i’ve read that’s how you know it’s over
when you miss the memories more than the person
and sure, yeah, whatever
i don’t need you anymore
(but i want you to know how successful i am)
but i’m becoming one of those people who wishes she had a boyfriend
ew
i just want my person.
and its not to say that my life
right now
isn’t unfulfilling or challenging or exciting
because right now,
its eating ice cream from the tub at the kitchen table with my roommates
binge-watching netflix
solving work problems at one am
and that is all okay
and good
but i wish i could call you and tell you things
and share the things we used to share
like laughter and books and ideas
and i don’t want it to be you, necessarily
but you’re the best i’ve ever had (only ever had)
and i don’t know
don’t want to
start over
with someone else
because i don’t have time
and meeting people is hard
and i barely have enough space in my life
for eating regular meals at decent hours
let alone, sorting through my crazy for
someone else to understand and accept

so that’s where i’m at
i don’t miss you
i don’t need you
you’re not my person
and i’m trying to sort through it all