15-03.08.59 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

The One Involving Concern and Friendship

Had a hard time sleeping last night. Itchy, mostly, and the idea of an entire hour disappearing into the nether… the fact that, technically speaking, 2:01 am never happened. It hits 2 and BOOM it becomes three. Spring Daylight Savings always bugs me. At least in winter you re-live an hour… it repeats. It doesn’t… just vanish!

I got a few handfuls of sleep. Woke up happy to have something fun to do today. Playing Destiny with 6 friends… three of whom are my best friends and two of those are in different states… lots of laughs and lots of fun exploring of new areas of the game. The Raid took us a total of 4.5 Hours :D

Of course… considering the lost hour and how much my wife despises waking up (and despises work shifts that begin prior to noon)… she was very unhappy to be awake. She was like a bitter zombie on her way out the door this morning,

I had two Honey-Do Chores for the day… to fit in somewhere between raiding with friends. (1) Clean the microwave. A task of epic proportions. So I intended to try a trick from Life Hacks. Vinegar + Water in the microwave to clean the inside, then just wipe it down. How did it work? Well, as I looked around the apartment… I realized we had no vinegar. Bollocks! So I had to settle with basic water. Ugh. But with that and a little elbow grease, I got it taken care of. Item (2) of the Honey-Do List: Contact my father about the gratuitous trust. Mergh. My father and his brother are beneficiaries of a trust… they very kindly decided to give us money from that trust last year. They mentioned doing so again this year in an effort to help us with college loans. However any money received from the trust must be claimed on THAT YEAR’S tax return. Which means… if we are going to get any trust money this year, we have to wait until the paperwork arrives for us to file our taxes. My wife is getting somewhat impatient and uncomfortable with that as she would very much like to file taxes sooner than later. BUT as the whole thing is a gift… and a generous one at that.... I feel… ungrateful to pester my father on this issue. Yes, we need paperwork to file our taxes and we need to know whether they will follow through on their oral agreement but.... I already asked my dad about paperwork and taxes and he said to wait until April. For obvious reasons, that was unacceptable to my wife. After all, taxes are due on April 15th. But still… I don’t feel it appropriate to continually pester my father on this issue. But… my wife specifically asked me to call him again about it. While it is not the answer that will make her happy… I e-mailed him. Yes, she said to call him and I’m sure I’ll get an earful this evening about it but… frankly… an e-mail from me to him CCing her will keep her in the loop. We’ll see if she finds that acceptable or not. (3) Not a terrible element of the list but… take care of recycling.

Actually, it is interesting. As I knew I was relying heavily on my wife for certain matters while I was studying for the bar… I have openly been taking on more responsibilities around the house. I suppose, whether consciously or not, it is my way of saying “Thanks for letting me focus, now let me help out around here.”

Now… if you don’t mind… a few emotionally heartfelt truths:

(1) I haven’t been keeping up with notes or bookmarks like I should. AND it isn’t about free time or lack thereof. I just… I’m in a place right now where everything connects and everything conflicts. So… I’m sorry if I haven’t been a good friend. Just… somewhat “Inner Universe” focused right now.

(2) I realize that I cannot exert control over my wife’s life. But… as a caring spouse, life partner, and friend… I wish I could do more for my wife. I get it. She needs to figure some things out on her own. What she wants to do with her career and who she wants to be as a person are entirely up to her. But both for caring reasons and selfish reasons… I wish there was more I could do. Simply offering support without being able to actively mold seems somehow hollow. Like I’m taking a less active role in my marriage. Clearly, if this marriage is to work, if my wife is to be at all happy, she needs to take charge of her own life at some point. but it is hard. I want to fix it, make it all better, find a solution and help her commit to it. But I can’t. All I can do is offer support and prayer and hope that she finds her way. I hate feeling powerless to help those I care about the most!

(3) Finally, I hate feeling powerless in my own situation. I wish there was a magic wand to wave and poof I would have an “adult” job and take care of my family and be the person I always knew I could be. But instead… it feels like I’m just waiting. Again. As always. And it bloody well pisses me off. How can I take charge of my life and blaze my own path when so much of who I am and what I wish to do needs to rely on others?